Monday, February 13, 2012

CH62: Forgiven

You know how us Catholic girls can be
We make up for so much time a little too late
I've always been destructive in the negative.
I started smoking with the pretext that I crumbled under pressures from grade consciousness.
But the truth of the matter is, it's a selfish decision.
The subtext that I've never mentioned to anyone except a very few close friends is that -
I never forgot it, confusing as it was
No fun with no guilt feelings
I started with the vice because, being the youngest in the family.
I didn't want to come to the realization that eventually, I will be alone.
I didn't want to see the eventuality of seeing my parents and siblings die off.
The sinners, the saviors, the loverless priests
I'll see you next Sunday
While I remain living.
I don't think it needs to be elaborated how smoking comes into that equation.
We all had our reasons to be there
Now, I'm faced with an escalating hate towards someone.
The better me seems to have been complacent.
We all had a thing or two to learn
I didn't see that coming.
All along, I was conceptualizing that eventuality.
We all needed something to cling to
Preoccupying my solace.
Hoping and wishing that it will be -
So we did
I sang Alleluia in the choir
I let my guard down.
I confessed my darkest deeds to an envious man
Constantly preoccupied with thoughts of the future I don't want to come.
My brothers they never went blind for what they did
I decided to let loose and drown myself in thoughtlessness
But I may as well have
In the name of the Father, the Skeptic and the Son
The moment has come to pass and the seed of uncertainty has been planted.
I shiver in fright.
I had one more stupid question
What now? Wait.

We all had our reasons to be there
We all had a thing or two to learn
We all needed something to cling to
So we did

What I learned I rejected but I believe again
I will suffer the consequence of this inquisition
If I jump in this fountain, will I be forgiven
We all had our reasons to be there
We all had a thing or two to learn
We all needed something to cling to
So we did

We all had delusions in our head
We all had our minds made up for us
We had to believe in something
So we did

As my vision becomes a blur. Now more than ever, as God created man with one foot in the light and the other in the dark. I took a misstep. Half in half no more. Blind in the darkness.
The destructive nature has come and gone. And only fear remains.

[edit]. The inflection point has happened. The next instance of its occurrence is yet to come.
The consciousness sleeps afraid.

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