Friday, October 31, 2014

[Random] Undesirable

A different perspective: Undesirable (October 27, 2014)

The cold air blows past his face
His grown hair fluttering, dancing
His eyes are closed
His mind deep in thought

By the balcony, outside he stands
He is shielded away from the quiet
The music, blaring the beat
Pacing the rhythm, stirring emotions

He opens an app on his phone
A profile, last online 12 mins ago
Cute, good looking, he messages
Hoping for a reply, maybe

An ember glows as he inhales
Exhales, then a stream of smoke
He flicks the cigarette
Ash like snow, light and flitting

He feels the buzz of his phone
Opens the app from earlier
Nothing. Phantom vibrations
The person he messaged - Online

Several sent messages, no response
Ignored, overlooked, insecure
A gnawing desperation

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

CH242: Shifting Perspectives

There is only exactly 1 month (31 days in this case) before I fly back to Manila for a few days - then my adventure in Europe begins ... continuing it to the US then back to Manila for what I would say, my longest stay in Manila since coming to Singapore...before I eventually fly off to the land down under.

Nothing much has changed I guess on my end with regards to anticipating and feeling excited. Being excited for Europe, Australia,and everything is at the back of my mind. Before I flew with my ex before to London, I was accused of being nonchalant about the trip and the experience. I only felt excited the day before the flight. I guess, it has to do with not feeling so high only to feel low when it doesn't happen or push through? Is there logic to that? Right now, I've been busy with work. I work in a secure site as well and access to internet is restricted - no smartphones allowed for external staff - so yeah, work.

To some of the people at work who learned I would be resigning or that I have "tendered" (the verb I've been hearing around), after hearing that I will be moving to Australia, their first question is so you've found work? And it sort of became redundant and feeling a bit like a broken record to say that no, it's too early to look for work at this time since I will be taking a break from working.

One friend of mine messaged me several weeks back: "Wow! I'm really surprised you're leaving Singapore considering how well you are doing there."

So what's the point of this entry? With my answers and how I went about this exit from Singapore, it made me realize that, there seems to have been a shift in perspective. I've had 4 projects/works here in Singapore in the span of 3 years 10 months. Prior to that I had 2 jobs in the Philippines in the span of 2 years 9 months. In Singapore, my reasons for changing jobs were job security, higher pay, better package, more stable, better working environment, challenging, etc. But now, there's simply no reason at the moment for me to take this break...this sabbatical before I fly off to Sydney...other than because I want to so I will.

Whatever happened to the old me concerned about all the reasons I listed down to justify changing jobs (which were all on a contract basis i.e. not permanent or regular)? I'm guessing (as I'm not 100% sure yet - only time will tell) I just got tired of partying, traveling, working and just making money and just living the Singapore life. I feel I'm ready to settle down (not get married) but to really set up roots in a place I will fall in love with (with or without someone else - that's a different matter haha). There's no anger or resentment with Singapore for not giving me PR the first time I tried or with the companies I worked for - for not offering regular employment. I feel like I'm leaving Singapore because the adventure has run its course (a lot earlier than I had planned which was to stay for at least 5 years), and for me to stay longer will just chip away the hopes I have of achieving the dreams I dream of. So, despite the luxuries and comforts I can accord myself here, I don't think I'll ever truly be happy knowing I can be happier and live my dreams elsewhere.

It will be sad to leave very good friends in Singapore. It will be scary to make the transition and starting over. It will be down right terrifying. But, I've let go and I am letting go. Right now I'm free falling with indifference, straight faced. I sometimes feel people may think I'm not that excited to leave or travel when I answer because I don't answer with as much enthusiasm as I should. But it's still a long way to go...i haven't even thought about whether from this free fall, I'll crash or hit the ground running.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

[Random] I am

I am (October 14, 2014)

I am desire
Image objectified
Lusted for

I am fantasy
Dreams embodied
Wishes fulfilled

I am wrath
Equality purveyed 
Justice served

I am ambition
Soaring high
Goals attained

I am free
Free to love
Free to be

I am, I
Not yours
My own

The above sort of expressionism was inspired by the Chanel Spring+Summer 2015 show I saw last week.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

CH241: Skin Tight

So, I've got a lot of back log in terms of updates on this blog. My family visited me two weeks ago (it's been two weeks already?!) and I should probably write about that. But with all the work that's coming in and projects that I need to do on my last few weeks here in SG, it feels more like I'm going away with a BANG.

Anyway, one time coming home from the new project for work that was a bit like the proverbial monkey wrench in the cog wheel, my battery ran out, and I had nothing to do to preoccupy myself in the train ride home. So, I decided to go old school and write down some thoughts on paper in the train.

September 19, 2014

The reality of it is, we evolve and change no matter what. It's in our DNA I should say to adapt.

I realized something that seems so obvious I had to wonder why I didn't realize it sooner: "we actually grow into our own skin." I mean that in the sense that the world and society a generation back (or at least from my perception) had the expectation that when you become an adult, you know what you want and what to do and what to accomplish. But, maybe this realization comes with age and maturity, or traveling, but I have noticed with myself, minute and distinct changes in attitude and taste.

In my 28.5 years of living, I've discovered for one thing last year that I'm actually repulsed by the idea of drinking orange juice with pulp. There's something off with the pulp's texture mixed in with orange juice. Like how I also realized early on that I abhor marshmallows (the texture as well) and how I find it gross to eat pineapple that's mixed in with something savory - like Hawaiian pizza for instance.

I feel like I'm less affected by things that could get me worked up and have my emotions stirred. Things that annoy me could linger in my head and I'd be vocal about it and unnecessarily cause friction before, right now, I'm more "edited" or "curated" with how I speak and present myself. There's that filter that sometimes just comes on now more often than it did before - that goes: "Is this something worth getting fired up about? Is it worth your time? etc"

The thing about the realization is that never in my life at that point in time I realized it, have I felt most comfortable in my own skin. Like I've said before (CH235: Life Lessons at 28), self-acceptance is important. But a notch higher above it is self contentment.