During my vacation a couple of weeks back in KL with CP, there was a conversation that was brought up regarding faith, God and religion. The topic was simply brought up when I mentioned about praying to God to help me through my exam and the challenge of reviewing for it.
CP being admittedly "atheist" brought up the discussion on what, who or whatnot God is. Me being "agnostic" - in the sense that I don't believe in the relevance of concept of religion defended my views. During my study in UP Diliman, coming from a Christian/Protestant school, I became agnostic. But I've never put my thoughts into words to properly describe and encapsulate what my version of God and supreme being is.
1. I think my concept of God as a "being" is influenced by my Catholic and Christian upbringing. Catholic family - Christian school. I think the differences in views and practice of both religion was the start of my questioning and veering away from the belief in religion.
2. Contrary to belief stated in number 1 - I realized during my discourse with CP that, in fact, my version of God is more of a "state of order." I told CP simply that, it's hard not to believe in the concept of God when the proof and fact is all around you. CP mentioned that me coming from an engineering background should believe more in science than God.
3. Supporting the existence of God, I simply told CP. Science did not muddle my belief that there is a powerful being or state of order around - which for simplicity purposes we call God. Studying and learning the formulas and equations for physics, math, etc. I realize that these things would not be in existence had not there been an entity or force to put things into this almost tangible order of variables and operations. The natural order of things as in thermodynamics is the state of entropy. So, to put it simply, if the world's tendency is to be in chaos, there is a fabric of supremacy governing the order in which things are around us. I think I made CP realize that.
4. So, when I pray to God as I told CP I did for the exam, one could say that I am praying or throwing my wishes to a "being" or "state of order" to put into order something that I am uncertain of the results (i.e. in chaos, not sure of passing and possibility of failing and order - as to say passing).
5. I considered that my thoughts could be blasphemous. But I realized that blasphemy is a concept of religion. Being agnostic, it doesn't have as much impact or scare to it.
6. But what about the belief of Christ and Holy Spirit and being forgiven of the sins we have had? Well, when I think about it, part of myself still can't let go of it as most of my life I lived believing it to be true. Some people say it's not made up but historical. So with this aspect, I'm still not sure of. If it is indeed true because it's historical, does that necessarily constitute fact that everything in the Bible is true? One could say that the occurrence then was in part orchestrated by a state of order to put things back into order, and Christ was its instrument to do so.
There's still so much to learn and understand in this world.