Wednesday, February 20, 2013

CH154: Abrupt Endings

CH149: CoDependency

Should we continue on ignoring the fact that somewhere down the road, there is a bridge waiting to be crossed?
You have your fears and I'm afraid that if we continue to ignore the bridge down the road, that I'd end up crossing it only to realize you stayed behind.
"...I know it hurts to let go...But now it's the end | We will be with you | When you're leaving | We will be with you | When you go | We will be with you | And hold you till you're quiet | It hurts to let you go" - Gotye

In the dark room, tears tumbled down - while you're right there beside me, sleeping, quiet and at peace. There's a turmoil running through my mind. The thought that the ending is so near gripped my heart hard. Suffocated at the thought and the tears that everything will be over soon - too soon. An abrupt ending to a wonderful holiday out of town - our second together.

Contemplating how I am today compared to how I was before - before I met you I mean. I smile at the thought that once, before I met you, I had a hard time imagining a decrease in activity online - less presence in social media. Recalling as well my excessive tweeting, instagram-ing and facebook-ing. An abrupt ending to social media. An abrupt ending to social media on the web, mobile and "mobile apps."

I've downloaded several new high-res movies - Flight, Drive, Django Unchained, Cloud Atlas and even the new episode of the Amazing Race season 22. Last night, after our experimental (i.e. new routines) workout, you were to stay over. But when I narrated how I got several friends, colleagues and team mates inquiring about NZ, you became quiet. I didn't know you had all those fears bubbling inside you. In our discussion, you say in surrender that you're no longer planning to go to NZ. That it doesn't fill you up with excitement, only fear. The discussion goes on over a light after work-out meal. And then, it's time to go. We go our separate ways - you back to yours, and me a walk across from where we ate. An abrupt ending to what would have been a fun and lovely night.

"Because not everything is planned and not everything planned will turn out okay. Because things happen. Because that's just how it is. Because that's what we call living." - MkSurf8 
And after a stress-free togetherness since I got from my short NZ trip (to activate my visa), after last night's discussion, things feel a tad bit awkward. An abrupt ending to over a month of bliss and romance.

I'll let the tears fall once the bridge comes around the corner. For now, after the abrupt ending last night, I'm at the beginning of an impasse and state of confusion. What do I want then for us till the time comes for us to decide whether to cross the bridge or not?

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