Here's an article from Star: "To the twentysomething who wants to change the world" . Several weeks before that, there were articles from Thought Catalog on some reminders on how to enjoy your life as a twenty something.
The article did hit something in me. It got me into a contemplative mood and well, a bit depressed:
"The truth is, you will never be as passionate as your Fresh Grad self ever again. Make that passion last as long as you can. I don’t want to be dramatic, but really, that sparkle? Once it’s gone, you can never take it back. Oo, parang virginity lang."
I realized that despite all the good things that have happened in my life, it only filled in certain aspects of my life that might as well serve to cover up the other important things that matter - but not as much really - but enough to feel the void once you notice what's missing.
I have to be honest though, that some aspects meant to force a realization in the article, are stuff I already realized before. I didn't find it hard to find a job after graduation and was welcomed immediately in the arms of HP (I started working 12 days before I graduated). Working in HP was well, sort of okay at the start. But as the ramp-ups continued and more accounts were transitioned, we were over worked, under-manned, and let's just say, I've never told anyone in HP before as it remained within the family - I got sick. Not sick enough to not report to work - but seriously sick like in the blood. I won't elaborate on it.
Aside from getting sick, I got burnt out. -which is why I took a sabbatical (resigned) after working for 1 year 9 months. A self-imposed sabbatical to force me to experience what it was like to be unemployed. Doing that amid the global recession, well, hell yeah I found it hard to find another work. I forced myself to feel the helplessness that the article from Star touched on. I forced myself to know what it was like not having a "convenient" life of monthly salaries. I forced myself to learn what I wouldn't have learned otherwise. I did what I did to experience a mistake early on - to prevent it from happening again. I felt complacent but not in control.
It was a good and humbling experience. It forced me to realize what I wanted to do in life. After all, I was not the one who chose my course in college - my parents did and I let them. Aside from the burn out I experienced in HP, I thought then that I wasn't living my life as if I was the one driving it. I think it felt like I was being remotely controlled - to keep the metaphor going.
Nelly Furtado just keeps serving up one tune after another -creating a playlist for my 26th year!
Honestly, what will become of me
Don't like reality
It's way too clear to me
But really life is dandy
We are what we don't see
Miss everything daydreaming
I felt more particularly down today than usual. Heightened most likely by my alcohol binge nights - Friday and Saturday. Yes, after every high comes a low. It's a refreshing feeling - to feel this 'low.' It forces me to be in a reflective mood - more morose than usual.
Traveling, I only stop at exits
Wondering if I'll stay-tay
Young and restless
Living this way I stress less
I want to pull away when the dream dies
The pain sets in and I don't cry
I only feel gravity and I wonder why
Today, after I woke up around noon, I just stayed in bed for ~3 hours just thinking:
When you strip someone of everything and just leave an empty shell, what would that someone yearn for?
What if all has been lost? What is it that we need the most?
What if you find yourself alone and lost, how do you find your way back?
...(and on and on and on)
Question after question after question.
I didn't get to answer everything, and some answers were a joke really.
But at the end of the reverie, I realized, what's been mostly lacking - and considerably and consciously ignored in my life is - Faith.
I've always told friends or new acquaintances when asked, that I'm mostly agnostic (although baptized as a Catholic). Agnostic in the sense that I don't believe in religion but I believe that there's a God in existence. I've been struggling with reconciling with religion. I think the internal conflict led me astray and only sought after God and clinged onto faith only when the time called for it. It's negative, I know, but with all the good things happening in my life, it felt "okay" to ignore. I trusted more and more in myself, and only really trusted God's guidance when I was lost and defeated.
So, yes, to the 20 something, it is faith that man needs.
Faith (in God) that all will be well eventually.
PS: An important note I got from the homily of the mass earlier went something like: (paraphrased) - " As man aspires for much more, he'll realize that he has less to give. As he aspires for less, he'll realize that he has suddenly much more to give." But this is for a different entry - maybe to address my avarice.