Sunday, October 16, 2005

Hear The Words of My Indignation.

[migrated from livejournal]


"Please be warned that this post may seem too vulgar for certain people. This entry was created using my cellphone before i went to sleep feeling very exhausted. This entry may be true to some extent, but heck i dont even remember that i wrote some of the messages. Also, if you can't relate to what's being said, please consider this as literature. =P"

So, what went wrong?
I know that I have moved on, but what I don't know is if it is real, or am I just undergoing some fucked up stage of denial? Could it be that I am still haunted by the past that I confidently acknowledged as dead and over? I was pretty sure I buried those memories under a huge pile of bullshit, add my shit to that.
Life is just so fucked up! What goes around comes around.
So, the final rights and sem-ender have finally concluded. I had fun and yes, unwinding of stress that have piled up. But at the verge of the end, there we go, walking down some treacherous path. Some people had to bring it up. They had to unearth the dead. They had to unveil the stench I put six feet under.
Friends? Damn. I felt discriminated against, looked down upon, an object of laughter. Yes, you may seem to be unaware or not knowledgeable of the situation and circumstances, but I ask of you, hear me. Hear my angst, my remorse and utmost feeling of wanting to part myself further from the people involved.
I may have laughed along, but damn! I was just so good with putting up a face. My facade seemed most effective.Damn you. Friends?
Right now, I am feeling rather depressed. I don't know if it's because I am feeling so exhausted...Hmm...fuck this!
I don't fucking care about the roots of this state of sadness. Bullshit this state of depression. I'm feeling fucking mad! I'm heating up because of my fucking anger!
Friends? Damn you!
You know who you all are. May you have been present in spirit or form, damn you! Fuck you! Damn bitches and bastards.
Why does one have to be reminded of the things one thoroughly wished to forget? Why do people have to make an issue of it? Why is it that I feel thisway? I'm fucking haunted by the past that smell of piss and shit.
Let's rethink this, I am not particularly angry at anyone. I prefer to call it indignation. I'm being consumed with such negativities that I really want to take it off someone. Fuck you! You know who you are! Friends? Looks more like enemies.
Let me clarify a few things:
I'm not bitter. I no longer fucking care about what happens with him/her and him/her. I have grown tired of such tiring reminders of the past. Can't anyone understand me? I have so wanted to be free! But why do "friends" constantly pull me back down? Fuck them. No joke.
(I stopped my entry from last night here.My eyes were too tired to continue.)
When I woke up, the feeling of resentment was not present. I am not entirely sure if the entry was just a manifestation of my exhaustion. But then again, let me continue the things that I wanted to say.
I'm not the person you (and your cohorts) think and blatantly said I am. You are wrong. I've said it with a smile and choke of laughter. But let me say it again with a STRAIGHT face. NO, I AM NOT. Please do not accuse me of being morally and socially unacceptable.
I really believed that I had moved on. Because of you (and your cohorts), I'm afraid I would be once again reminded of the mistake I had committed. Ask what mistake was that? The mistake would be associating myself with that person in the first place.
No longer am I part of the people who regret nothing of their past. I have become one who would ammend the past for a better future.
I have seen it first hand. The first sem that I had for this academic year has proven it. The first sem of my first year is the past I once was.
Let's end it here.

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