Thursday, January 17, 2013

CH149: CoDependency

It's a dark and twisted world. You begin to wonder God's intention.

God sent you someone who changed you for the good, gave you happiness and provided you a stage to put into motion freedom, liberty and acceptance. But, then they fucked up.

Is God telling you to leave, get your moral lessons, escape and move on? Or is God telling you, here's a person who is capable of good, promising to change for the better and actually have done and enacted steps to change - stick by, forgive as they repent?

All along, I thought and felt it was over. It was. CH147: When It's Over. But, when you love somebody, you do. You see them cry in front of you. You see them beg. Your defences crumble.

You call your family and inform them that you booked flights to NZ last minute. You talk to them. They are of course concerned. You start to cry in the boarding area talking to your mum, hearing her say "Oh, so that's why I couldnt sleep until 3am." You start to cry sitting on the aisle seat of your SQ flight. (Feeling embarrassed that a retired couple sitting beside you had to interrupt your "moment" so they can go take their seats). You head straight to the toilet to cry some more when your playlist unexpectedly went on to playing "On My Own" from Les Miserables. You cry because in your heart, it should be over. You cry to let the emotions out. You cry to grieve. You cry because in your mind it is over. You cry because flashes of memories come. You cry because you loved somebody so much, it hurts to let go. But you cry nonetheless because you know then and there you should.

And then the next day comes. You arrive in NZ. You're surprised by an email. An email from somebody who you told off to stop contacting. It was a response to your separation email. You feel sad. You get a feel of their sorrow, their regret, their longing. They plead. They promise to change. They want you back. They say it would make them the happiest if you can give them another chance.

You think over the weekend. You don't think over the weekend and just relax and enjoy your family's company. You plan your future for yourself. But then a thought hits you.

You're back in SG after a visit to NZ and the Shire (CH148: New Zealand Escape). You were surprised when you read another email from them. In summary: "Look, I don't know what we decided on meeting or not once you arrive - but, I dont remember, so I'm going to wait for you in the airport when you land." You're surprised as you read the message while waiting for your luggage to come out. You get your luggage, and surprise surprise, you see them waiting there for you. Looking sad. Looking repentant. Looking expectant of a bad news. You felt nice that they went out of their way to go see you. You felt sad for their sadness.

You go back home. You tell them: "I will start to look for work in NZ after my contract ends in April. I should be moving by July to NZ. That's how it will be. You asked me to stay by you as you work to change and address your issues. I will. I will until it's time for me to go to NZ. If you want to come, it will make me happy. It's a big decision. It's a big move for both of us. I will not force you to come. Come if you want to be with me. We will still be together. It's up to you whether you will follow me to NZ or not for us to be together. I will not stay in SG."

You accept. You're thankful to be given another chance. I say: "I love you, and that is reason enough to give you another chance."

God throws a wrench your way. You begin to question His intent. You go back and forth. You realize it doesnt have to be one or the other.

Codependent - no more.

1 comment:

  1. coz not everything is planned and not everything planned will turn out okay. coz things happen. coz that's just how it is. coz that's what we call living.

    anyway, inggit ako sa Swedish mafia nyo and i wanna go to NZ too ;)