CH177: The Arrangement

*Last night
A well of emotions burst forth. From the messages of frustration, anger and helplessness.
Tears flowed to the tunes of Sad (by Maroon 5) and All Good Things [Come to and End] (by Nelly Furtado).
There was a song 4 In The Morning (by Gwen Stefani) that felt quite apt to all that I really wanted from the relationship.

The Arrangement
The key to the arrangement was for CP to find the fire in us to fight. Figuratively speaking, consider the fire as "passion" - to escape from the idea that to fight is violence.

We've mostly kept in touch during that period despite the arrangement was to keep the distance and minimize (avoid) contact.

As the days of the arrangement was coming to a close, I was weird-ed out by the feeling that it doesn't seem like there was any intent to end it anymore. It turns out, CP admits to the fact that CP became accustomed to the "metaphorically-single" life.

Instead of a harmonious getting back together, there was a lot of drama involved. Self realizations that the relationship was causing me unnecessary insecurities, over thinking and over analyzing. It was mostly dragging to the point of exhaustion.

The Promise
I realize almost too late, that the only reason why I have been feeling helpless to let go - despite the unhappiness, was the promise I made. "I promise I will never hurt you or leave you behind in hurt" Such words that self restrict.

The promise, as I believe now, was clawing at my thoughts that whatever it was I will decide in the relationship was a precedent to what future ones I will have. "If I leave now despite what I am and have been feeling, will this be a precursor to 'giving up too easily' in the next one when an argument arises" To cheat and therefore to void the promise came to mind several times, but I never really saw myself to be such after I was cheated on before.

But there was more to it than what was on the surface

The Perfect Life
I was afraid that if I let go, that I'll be faced with the realization and future that I almost avoided before. There is a power to being admired and adored. I was lonely before I met CP, yes, I admit to that. The loneliness as was written and depicted - in entries that I have shelved into drafts soon after meeting CP. There was something addicting to the lure and capability to lure.

I am the type of person to project perfection. I don't like pity. I want everyone to know that I am okay despite times when I really wasn't. I'm not as prone to asking for help - because I am (or was) a firm believer that everything can be solved by one's self if one puts his mind into it.

The Issues
Everyone has issues. I have mine as I said above. But CP has quite a lot of issues. I always knew the first time we had a major argument that he has deep dark issues hidden. When the first major argument happened and I decided in less than 24 hours to fly off to NZ to get a break away from things, I returned to a CP full of hope and promises of change.

But those didn't materialize. I compromised a lot of my self to come to terms with that. I lost myself, one could say in loving someone. I held on to the image of CP that time I returned from NZ.

It was only too late (as the arrangement was coming to a close) where CP admitted to me the real issues that CP had. The issues that explained all the other arguments we had, the issues that explained why I was feeling the way I was feeling and the issues that explained why CP was acting the way CP was acting.

When I learned of it, I felt that I should be here for that person. That for the sake of all that we had experienced together, I should be here. But, sometimes, words don't marry with actions. Words sometimes have to be taken as for what they are - just words - nothing more.

If anything, I always thought that Jar of Hearts was a beautiful song, but upon reading the lyrics and CP's admission on CP not liking the song but relating to it....

The Release
I wouldn't have wanted to end it the way I had ended it, spewing words of negativity, etc. But, well, we tend to provoke each other during arguments. So, oh well. CP has the dark issues CP has kept - as CP said, the past 20 years.

I broke down last night soon after I ended it the way I ended it when I had to delete pictures of us. I felt like I was focusing on the negativity that the relationship was bringing me. There were a lot of good times yes, but in my memory, they have been marred but actions and the lack of it by CP. I will not go dissing out those issues to the public as I don't want to seem like the bitter ex.

Now, the tears have run dry. I've started to move on.

The arrangement has come to an end.