CH42: Sticky Rice (Letter 2)

I now have had several opportunities to fess it up.
But I couldn't.
It feels so bad to just let out the words and tell you.

We had our conversation, I'm sorry if I was aloof, well, for one matter, I had work I needed to do, and the other, the feeling of being distant - like someone who has a secret they are trying so hard not to let spill.

I wish I could be as honest. But how can I just go on and be honest? Does honesty outweigh the hurt I may inflict on you?

I asked you why you had several videos posted, I did not dig in too much. But I knew and felt that those were hurt songs. One was my favorite song from a month back or so, and the other, from a popular TV show. Both equally endearing, both have brought me to tears.

I think the saltears gave me this pimple.

I didn't want to dig in. You seemed genuinely happy to be talking to me. Like all the hurt on your side was something only I imagined.

Wait. Am I being delusional?

CH41: Salty

5/26/11 - 1:47 AM

So today after having found out that there was already a born this way revenge (tap tap), well of course, I downloaded it.

And I find myself drawn to the track you and I. I was actually already listening to it the in the office, so I just had to find a way to carry it with me

1. It's been a long time since I came around, been a long time but I'm baack in town, and this time I'm not leaving without you

2. There's something, something about this place, something about lonely nights and my lipstick on your face, there's something, something about my cool Nebraska guy yeah something about - baby you and I

Well, talk about finding a way to pull out. I feel stupid, like an artist having to use music to draw something deep inside I'd rather not elaborate.

But yes, it's deep.
Inspired me to draw on some artistry:

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A letter of goodbye

I feel bad for the way that I've acted. I wanted to seem cold so the words won't have to come from me. I figured it will be easier for me to be the one hearing the words rather than me having to say those words.

But I dont want to continue having to cause hurt to others by my actions and inactions.

We may have come across each other at the wrong time. Youre there I'm here. And I have no plans of having to set my roots there. To build something on compromise is such an easy thing to say. But things dont always work with just time and compromise.

I may have been mistaken by having us entered into mutual consent. But no it's not a spur of the moment. In all honesty, whatever has been said was meant.

Victims of distance. That may Just be the two of us. We both had our shortcomings.
We found a companion in each other. But I think it's best if we just go back and stay as friends. Let's consider moving on if and when our paths cross again.

Soon, you will be preoccuppied. I honestly wish to see you succeed and take fortune into your own hands because I have faith that you can Do it. I wouldnt have fallen for you if I didnt get a glimpse of a future with you.

But our paths that have crossed must now diverge. I want to keep whatever we have in memory untainted by whatever harm and words that may come from either of us if this continues.

Hopefully I get to talk to you before you happen to read this. Goodbyes were after all meant to be spoken and not written.

You may wonder when I began contemplating. It was after you wished me the following:
"I hope you find that something - or someone." to which I thought, only someone who's hurting can utter those words. Love can torment so much that we'd rather set our love free. To free them and free ourselves as well from the hurt.

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I wonder why God made tears salty? And why letting them out does not hurt the same as when seawater gets into our eyes.

You and I.

[Review] Insidious

Only now do I realize what the word means, do I get to appreciate the movie more. It was scary, bits and pieces reminded me of paranormal activity. It was a little stupefying by the mid-3/4 of the movie. Astral Projection? Hahaha. Spoiler. But, it was a fun movie in a sort of oh shit kind of way.

If you get the chance to see the movie, then go. I wasn't disappointed. The ending, I didn't expect. But, the male lead, as with paranormal activity, was a tad bit predictable. The sort of alpha male type who does not listen to the wife and tends to be pessimistic and a realist in these types of movies, that are beyond being realistic.

I got a good scare watching the movie, actually, quite a lot of scares. I didn't even feel embarrassed having to cover my ears in parts where I didn't want to get a jolt from shock. It was fun really. I would rate it 8/10. There were parts in the movie where comedic scenes were inserted, but I think, they did good to lighten up the movie, and stir it to somewhere less predictable, but it also added the cheese factor - which well, I don't appreciate. So, it's a double edge there.

CH40: Expectations

Expectations. While In transit home, it got me thinking. Expectations. Not the expectations on myself, but of others on me.

I've always been the type to live up to people's expectations. My family, relatives and friends. By my evaluation, career wise, I've done the best I can to live up to, yes, their expectations. Their expectations become the measure for my own expectations.

But is that all there is to life?

I'm happy where I am now and what I've come to achieve. But, well, lately I've been feeling down and bummed out. Couldn't figure it out until recently.

It's like smoke and mirrors. The facade I've kept up to make sure people find that I'm living a good life, a perfect life? - to live up to their expectations. Maybe it's just me, or the homesickness?, or perhaps...my insecurities. But well, I feel empty.

Quarter life crisis? Perhaps yes, perhaps no. But I am still in search of that something - as Westlife sings it - to make me feel complete.

perhaps, it's because I've been living for others that I've forgotten what it's like to live for myself. Void of the usual comforts I've gotten used to, well,I find myself, alone and not knowing where to go.

This is where I come out to admit that it seems I live for my work. My career. As it is a basis for "them" to gauge to some degree of tangibility my worth.

This is where I go to admit that last week was a slump. The bottom of the pit. I didn't have anything to do with work. There comes the anxiety of the account I'm working to coming to contract's end. What will happen if I ... Haha I'm even scared to say it out loud... But what the hell - what if I don't get renewed? I dont want the rug to be swept under me. And so what will happen? Ruined expectations.

Perhaps I'm just over thinking it, or I'm just fretting, but well, I live in the now. And thus week I have plenty of work being on shift. So I'll think more about this next week.

And maybe by then I find something else to live for.

What is the measure of being on top? They say it gets oh so lonely at the top. Does this mean I've reached the pinnacle then? I sure hope not, there's more I expect of myself I project to them to expect of me.