Maybe, maybe, maybe, part of the reason why on the apps, I rarely initiate any messaging is because - it's exhausting initiating small talk. I rarely go into long chats but mostly stop at saying thank you when given a compliment or say hi back and just not reply because there's been so much messages (I used to reply to all but stopped after a few days of having it in Singapore 4 years ago). It does seem callous and discourteous. But I don't say this with ego, since reinstalling the app when I became single a little over a year ago, I've had numerous messages come in. I was OC at first to make sure there wasn't a sign showing unread messages, but I got bored with the menial task, and now I've got ~2000 unread messages in one app.
But the point of that narrative just now, was because when I said impatience in dating, it probably related to being spoiled and getting what I want as I wrote in the previous entry. I reply to only those who seem interesting and interested because it's easier that way. No effort. No trying too hard. Everything has to be quick. Go into dating, you both like each other - go for it, commit, become exclusive yadah yadah. I lose interest (after much contemplation it isn't as much to do with pride) when I sense the other party's interest has waned. I say to myself, why go through the trouble.
I've given this much thought, because maybe I'm a romantic (hopeless), but after going out on a date which just coincided with valentines, I felt chemistry with someone and the Sparks just flew. But it wasn't like the previous ones with a magnetic reaction to just go and become steady. It's the first time for me to have to participate in "testing the water." And now I'm clueless. I like the other person enough to not be totally disinterested, but it opens up the idea, so does this mean there's a game at play? Someone seeing other people and moving the chess pieces one move at a time - eventually deciding the game then checkmate? Oh well, I asked the question and the answer just went along the lines of - let's not stick to labels or whatever for now and let's see how it goes. For a change, I'll be patient.
Yesterday was a wonderful day at the beach. My close friend and I just chilled and hung out for 5 hours there. Thankfully, after a previous late night out consuming 3 glasses of gin and tonic as well as 5-6 glasses of pure blonde, and with very little sleep, I didn't get a hang over. I'm attributing this feat to age given in a little over a month, I'll be one year away from 30!
Talk of change, while walking back home earlier, I was excited to realize that the state of happiness and contentment that had dawned on me when I was in Europe is still alive here in Sydney! :) I tried to think why after my volunteer work at the Sydney Mardi Gras Film Festival do I still feel this way, and I realized that I'm free.
I'm free from feeling secure and protected. I'm simply free - To be myself, to do what I want (within the bounds of law), to just live my life. Now it would be a scary thought not being secure and protected but I have permanent residency here in Australia as a safety net. My decisions are my decisions because I want to try and am very open to trying new things.
A first would be working at a Chinese restaurant part time! It was surprisingly enjoyable. How did this happen? I simply went to the restaurant my close friend part times in and the auntie there asked me if I was interested. Thinking it will be unexpected, I said yes. It pays well for 3.5 hours of work - plus they feed you haha. It put a smile on my face when my mom (I heard it in her voice) found it amusing and surprising that I did well and enjoyed waiting tables, taking take away orders on the phone and helping out in the kitchen and floor area. In this sense, I was free from the protective prejudice my parents would have had if I told them I'd work in let's say jolibee or McDonald's to earn extra money when I was studying. If I was still in Uni and I suggested that so I can have extra cash, I believe they would have just increased my allowance. Hmm actually the thought never occurred to me to work part time to get extra money back in college. I simply had to ask and use the trump card statement "my siblings went to more expensive schools compared to UPD."
Another change I noticed earlier was that I'm less introverted than I was before. I wouldn't normally want to be around strangers, but when I was helping people queue in the film festival, I was comfortable chatting up random strangers in queue and making conversation. I didn't mind wearing a bright pink outfit for volunteers of the festival. I didn't mind standing outside the cinemas collecting voting slips and smiling at totally random strangers and genuinely telling them to have a good night on their way home. My old self would have been exhausted being all preppy, but I did that because I was there as a volunteer. It's not my cause I'm there for, it's the festival's. Traveling brought this out of me. When you travel, you immerse yourself in the ways of the country you're visiting. You become a chameleon and adapt to the environment. It's not being plastic or hypocritical. It's just adjusting the traits you already have. Everyone has a natural affinity to something and distinct personalities, but it doesn't mean we have to box ourselves in. The important thing is to try and experience. Because through experience, we get opinion. And through experience, we discover things we might have said we couldn't but actually could.
I see my permanent residency as an investment (given how expensive it was ... Relatively) and I can see how I'm reaping its benefits so far. I feel so at home in Australia. Not to say anything negative against Singapore or the Philppines - but Australia is home now.
.... Although Australian PR was easier to get than SG PR (in my case, i.e. Profession) so maybe I have foreclosed SG too early. No regrets!