Friday, February 13, 2015

CH252: An Introspective Digression

After my trip around the US and Europe a couple of months back, I saw within myself a change that I was more laid back. In comparison to being hot headed fresh out of college and looking to be in a rush to climb the corporate ladder. In certain events during my trip like when I lost my iPAD when i left it in the train toilet...I was rushing out to get off my stop because the train was going to Ventimiglia after. Italian trains are on time. Well I didn't really mind losing the iPad. I was quickly over it after I spoke with my mom about it.

Digressing. Anyway, since arriving in Sydney, I realized I'm still a bit hot headed and easily impatient. Just a week and a half into living here, the pressure had built up for me to find a job and get settled in. I have to force myself out of the zone of thinking about it to be able to relax. I could be enjoying myself, going to museums, having fun, relaxing, but my natural instinct had been to situate myself in a position of being here for a few months without a job. It's not as if the recruiters and companies will work according to my schedule, so I've been bound by other people's schedule and somehow the impatience just grows.

I'm not sure if that's a good thing to create a stressful and high pressure environment for me to strive harder. I've applied to multiple jobs not directly related to what I do just to be able to put up a cushion in case the layers of comfort I've submitted my applications to fall through. My mind plays a situation where I put myself in a situation that I've failed. I know this feeing before when I left my job in HP during the height of the US (and global) recession to take a break and learn the lesson and desperation of being unemployed. Maybe I was traumatized by that experience so I'm reliving worst case scenarios in my head.

So as I've introspected, I figured that the only reason I am the way I am now is because for the most part of my life, I got the things I wanted and aspired for. I got high honors in school because I studied hard and worked for it. I wanted to go around the globe in 42 days so I saved up for it and traveled...although this one was partially enabled by my mom who so graciously cushioned my expenses and even gave me emergency money. I wanted to move out of SG and migrate to Australia permanently, so I did. There have been so many things I wanted and thought to have needed and attained, that the concept of begging for a job to be able to settle in Australia has become a situation outside my comfort zone.

I did play the situation in my head before I moved and felt mentally I was well prepared. Maybe I am or was, but not to the extent I imagined.

But now I'm here, there are no regrets or thoughts of wanting to leave or feeling like I made the wrong choice. I'm excited actually of what comes after I find a job because then I'll be free to navigate my life with security...which then comes to full circle with me getting what I wanted after overcoming the obstacle of finding a job. i digressed, I guess it brings about the reality that dreams do come true after all...with hard work. But I tend to underestimate stuff and I feel for the most part, I haven't worked hard enough to have gotten the things I dreamt of.


Also, worth sharing, I've been reading the Velvet Rage by Alan Downs. And here's an interesting passage from the book with regards to passion.

"Passion is the repeated experience of joy in doing something. When one discovers passion, it is usually because an activity seems to produce joy each time it is performed. Normally, there is a diminishing return on the joy associated with an activity. Not so when passion is present. The activity produces a surprising and satisfying amount of joy, again and again.

"Passion is a meta-emotion-an emotion that is felt only after observing other emotions over time. Passion is present when you observe that the same activity consistently brings you joy."

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