CH137: Moving Silences

Pat Stiers - Sixteen Waterfalls of Dreams,Memories and Sentiment

Shower:
I can't recall the last time I teared up and cried in the shower. Well, who would really note that down to remember? In the silence of the empty house that once was filled with the boisterous noise and running feet of my nephew, I contemplate what the month long vacation has been like.

In the silence of the empty house, I find myself alone. Later tonight as of this writing, we'll be sending my mum off. Last night was my brother and his family. Tomorrow it will be me. It sucks to be the last to go. :-/


Drive to airport:
With the sound of the wheels rolling through the highway pavement, the background noise of my sister and mum's chatter, I sit wondering. Welling up for reasons I cannot fathom yet. This must be how it feels to be sad. Not the usual sad, but separation sad.

The reality that I miss my family and will miss them so much when I get back only looms. Perhaps the isolation and distance in Singapore has made me numb and ignorant of this sadness. Perhaps it only feels sad because of the goodbye to occur and has occurred.

In the ambient noise of the car wheeling along the highway, I sit silent, pondering, silently weeping.

Airport:
Earlier before leaving for the airport, I confessed to my mum about CP. And, she told my sister about what I told her when I went to the toilet. So now my sister knows, and she's being persistent in seeing CP's picture and Im just being adamant - no - about it. Or maybe...

Well the cat is out of the bag, the silence needs to be broken.

I showed my sister CP's picture. And she questioned me like how my mum did. Awkward questions but positively reinforcing with support and encouragement.

It feels like some load has been taken off. As I take my baby steps to grow accustomed to this new acceptance, I realize, in certain things, breaking the silence is necessary. In order to move forward, the silence has to be broken - the voice need not be stifled.

Acceptance does not thrive in silence - isolation does. Equality does not thrive in silence - discrimination does.

Love does not thrive in silence.