CH138: Swept Away

It feels weird to be typing this entry in the room I'm actually paying for to live in. Quite frankly, tonight will be the first night since I got back that I can actually get to sleep in my own place. Since I arrived last Monday, around 330 am SGT. I've been swept away.

CP pulled a prank on me during my stopover in Narita. I was supposed to have a call with CP to use up the top up I put in the prepaid SIM I bought.

CP: "Just in cinema now [...] as rainy here, seeing twilight again...will nip out for toilet in bit :) [...] xxx"
Me: "That's too bad your friend won't be able to see universal...pft twilight. Okay, tell me when to call. [...] xoxo"

After 40 minutes.

Me: "Nevermind :-/ I'm boarding now. Enjoy the movie. xoxo"
CP: "Ah baby, I'm so sorry...[...] xxxx"

I was of course fuming/disappointed as I boarded the plane. I was even sulking during the first hour or two. I calmed down when they served drinks and I got myself a Riesling. Immersing myself in the very extensive in-flight entertainment of Singapore Airlines did help...and a Chardonnay to go with my meal next.

Fast Forward:
As I walked to head straight to the taxi queue after I got my bags, someone to my left started waving at me. And my initial reaction was "WUT? Wait. Ah, is this happening?"

CH137: Moving Silences

Pat Stiers - Sixteen Waterfalls of Dreams,Memories and Sentiment

Shower:
I can't recall the last time I teared up and cried in the shower. Well, who would really note that down to remember? In the silence of the empty house that once was filled with the boisterous noise and running feet of my nephew, I contemplate what the month long vacation has been like.

In the silence of the empty house, I find myself alone. Later tonight as of this writing, we'll be sending my mum off. Last night was my brother and his family. Tomorrow it will be me. It sucks to be the last to go. :-/


Drive to airport:
With the sound of the wheels rolling through the highway pavement, the background noise of my sister and mum's chatter, I sit wondering. Welling up for reasons I cannot fathom yet. This must be how it feels to be sad. Not the usual sad, but separation sad.

The reality that I miss my family and will miss them so much when I get back only looms. Perhaps the isolation and distance in Singapore has made me numb and ignorant of this sadness. Perhaps it only feels sad because of the goodbye to occur and has occurred.

In the ambient noise of the car wheeling along the highway, I sit silent, pondering, silently weeping.

Airport:
Earlier before leaving for the airport, I confessed to my mum about CP. And, she told my sister about what I told her when I went to the toilet. So now my sister knows, and she's being persistent in seeing CP's picture and Im just being adamant - no - about it. Or maybe...

Well the cat is out of the bag, the silence needs to be broken.

I showed my sister CP's picture. And she questioned me like how my mum did. Awkward questions but positively reinforcing with support and encouragement.

It feels like some load has been taken off. As I take my baby steps to grow accustomed to this new acceptance, I realize, in certain things, breaking the silence is necessary. In order to move forward, the silence has to be broken - the voice need not be stifled.

Acceptance does not thrive in silence - isolation does. Equality does not thrive in silence - discrimination does.

Love does not thrive in silence.

CH136: New York

New York has just jumped first place as my favorite city. Definitely better than Vegas. Definitely much better than Singapore.

Upon arriving in JFK airport, I've been welcomed with open arms. I didn't feel disconcerted nor lost. Without having to research how to go about, with only my hostel's address at hand, I was able to find my way.

The air is electrifying. Aside from the timezone difference with LA by 3 hours, its the atmosphere, the energy of the city pumping through my veins. I've fallen in love with New York. But I love someone more now to actually go and explore the idea of working in New York. Who knows, maybe down the line with the two of us?

There's so many things to see and absorb! My five days is surely not enough. My exploration has mostly been cultural and sights. No club hopping or getting wasted. For one thing, I'm alone and I'm being responsible. Maybe with CP if and when we go...

New York...new York...I love how its such a modern city, but mixes in so well with the antiquated (architecture, etc) and the dirt and the grime (in subway, and streets) provide the place with character. It's not like Singapore that feels squeaky clean it almost feels manufactured.

CH135: Kilig

Kilig is what I felt when I received a message like this after a Skype chat session with CP -

"Love you so [tipzstamatic], you make me so happy...thank you for being in my life..

"You are the best boyfriend ever...love having nice carefree chats with you..

"Love you XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX"

Cheese. But I like cheese.
It's been hard for both of us given the distance and time Im away for vacation. But, we've been keeping strong for each other. As a friend told me, there should be trust. A deeper and stronger trust in each other. Missing the other person is hard, but were both looking beyond the now. As we both acknowledge, the time I will be away will be minute compared to the forever we both look forward to with each other.

CH134: US Vacay Update