CH43: Surpassing Boundaries

Quite unexpectedly, during my run today, I was able to run 5km straight.
This is the first time ever I was able to run the whole 5km straight. Prior, I used to stop at 3km to have a water break.

But for some reason, when I reached 3km, I forced my mind and body to keep going  telling it to take a rest at 4km instead. Then at 4km, I tell myself to just force it into the home run distance of 5km.

Which made me realize, well, I was able to surpass my limits/boundaries. When I bought the nike+ipod set (I use my nano not Iphone to track), I told myself that I should train myself and achieve that goal by September. LOL. I had 4 months to train and achieve the distance.

It's like a case of shooting for the moon but landing close enough to be satisfied with the achievement. But in this case, I overshot it and reached Mars. LOL. I'm so happy to have been able to achieve this running feat. This link was the inspiration behind the successful run (and hopefully successful future runs):

http://youarenotsosmart.com/2009/11/11/learned-helplessness/

The read is so applicable for many cases. I imagine it being applicable to the state the Philippines is in, to the people I know who are full of regrets, to the people I know who want to achieve more but are unable to do so, etc etc.

It is also applicable in many aspects of my life. For this instance, losing weight. It's all about overcoming your doubts and pushing through. In another instance, about wanting to achieve more in my career but not being able to do so  - blaming it on external factors - but forgetting to count myself in the blame. But, for the career aspect, I'm quite pleased with the track i'm in. If I play my cards right, I know I'll achieve what I want to achieve.

Prior to achieving this goal, I posted something on twitter. A quote.
What you see doing in life may not be what you are destined for.

I got the realization when I was on my way home. I thought to myself, before, what do I see myself doing? I told myself, well, I can't imagine myself being so tied-up acting all professional in all aspect and demeanor. I saw myself like a programmer, wearing casual clothes, going to work to debug etc. But life led me elsewhere. It's not to say I'm all suited up or what, but well, it's hard to define.

[edit] I didn't like what I was doing during my first employment. I had to take a 3-4 month sabbatical in order for me to assess and realize for myself how I want to move forward. Well, I didn't go for retooling - but instead stuck to the career I was put in. And it's not a matter of doing what you love - but loving what you do. Love in the sense that is learned - not acquired.

[Random] On Change

As our account is to be transitioned out, some of my teammates will be the first batch to move to the new account.

I'm excited to see the small changes in routine that is called for because of the said changes. First thing of course, less man power would mean changes in the duty roster. The change will require a 12 hour shift. And, well, when I saw the schedule, frankly speaking, I was happy.

Below is an excel spreadsheet I made to mark the changes in schedule:
A would stand for a 12 hour shift from 6am to 6pm
N would stand for a 12 hour shift from 6pm to 6am

June
Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
		1	2	3	4	5
6	7	8	9	10	11	12
13	14	15	16	17	18	19
20	21	22	23	24	25	26
A	A	A	A
July
Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
				1	2	3
4	N	N	N	8	9	10
11	A	A	A	15	16	17
18	N	N	N	N	23	24
25	A	A	A	29	30	31
August
Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
1	A	A	A	5	6	7
8	A	A	A	12	13	14
15	A	A	A	A	20	21
22	A	A	A	A	27	28
29	30	31

One thing I'm happy about is the lack of weekend work. Although in retrospect, I kind of think that well, this schedule is a lot stressful considering weekend works are more work from home and on-call. But then again, on the other side of the argument is, why would I want my weekends to be spoiled by work related calls? With the given schedule, I can hop-off on a plane to else where by Thursday night and come back Monday evening. Hahaha. It's just too bad I wasnt able to file leaves for August to go to New Zealand. So I guess, the option would be to go there on September for my Nephew's second birthday?

A very stark difference from weeks before prior last week. During those weeks, I had nothing to do but just laze around, given that we were overstaffed.

Last week I was on shift and a very busy one at that. Lots of issues happening on customer side. But this week, I thought all I had to do for Monday was create a report, and ... LOL I overslept by 4 hours! Luckily, I was able to finish the report on time and still attend my Monday class.

Lots of changes happening, and aside from the report, I was frankly surprised that I had to migrate internally a sap router. Then i have to create a plan for the restoration of one of the customer's systems to a new frame to develop and finally migrate it to there once customer confirms that they prefer that system's build. I won't elaborate on the technicalities.

So, instead of wasting more time typing here, I'm supposed to go out jogging and come back to start working!!!! So, bye! lol

CH42: Sticky Rice (Letter 2)

I now have had several opportunities to fess it up.
But I couldn't.
It feels so bad to just let out the words and tell you.

We had our conversation, I'm sorry if I was aloof, well, for one matter, I had work I needed to do, and the other, the feeling of being distant - like someone who has a secret they are trying so hard not to let spill.

I wish I could be as honest. But how can I just go on and be honest? Does honesty outweigh the hurt I may inflict on you?

I asked you why you had several videos posted, I did not dig in too much. But I knew and felt that those were hurt songs. One was my favorite song from a month back or so, and the other, from a popular TV show. Both equally endearing, both have brought me to tears.

I think the saltears gave me this pimple.

I didn't want to dig in. You seemed genuinely happy to be talking to me. Like all the hurt on your side was something only I imagined.

Wait. Am I being delusional?

CH41: Salty

5/26/11 - 1:47 AM

So today after having found out that there was already a born this way revenge (tap tap), well of course, I downloaded it.

And I find myself drawn to the track you and I. I was actually already listening to it the in the office, so I just had to find a way to carry it with me

1. It's been a long time since I came around, been a long time but I'm baack in town, and this time I'm not leaving without you

2. There's something, something about this place, something about lonely nights and my lipstick on your face, there's something, something about my cool Nebraska guy yeah something about - baby you and I

Well, talk about finding a way to pull out. I feel stupid, like an artist having to use music to draw something deep inside I'd rather not elaborate.

But yes, it's deep.
Inspired me to draw on some artistry:

------------
A letter of goodbye

I feel bad for the way that I've acted. I wanted to seem cold so the words won't have to come from me. I figured it will be easier for me to be the one hearing the words rather than me having to say those words.

But I dont want to continue having to cause hurt to others by my actions and inactions.

We may have come across each other at the wrong time. Youre there I'm here. And I have no plans of having to set my roots there. To build something on compromise is such an easy thing to say. But things dont always work with just time and compromise.

I may have been mistaken by having us entered into mutual consent. But no it's not a spur of the moment. In all honesty, whatever has been said was meant.

Victims of distance. That may Just be the two of us. We both had our shortcomings.
We found a companion in each other. But I think it's best if we just go back and stay as friends. Let's consider moving on if and when our paths cross again.

Soon, you will be preoccuppied. I honestly wish to see you succeed and take fortune into your own hands because I have faith that you can Do it. I wouldnt have fallen for you if I didnt get a glimpse of a future with you.

But our paths that have crossed must now diverge. I want to keep whatever we have in memory untainted by whatever harm and words that may come from either of us if this continues.

Hopefully I get to talk to you before you happen to read this. Goodbyes were after all meant to be spoken and not written.

You may wonder when I began contemplating. It was after you wished me the following:
"I hope you find that something - or someone." to which I thought, only someone who's hurting can utter those words. Love can torment so much that we'd rather set our love free. To free them and free ourselves as well from the hurt.

---------

I wonder why God made tears salty? And why letting them out does not hurt the same as when seawater gets into our eyes.

You and I.

[Review] Insidious

Only now do I realize what the word means, do I get to appreciate the movie more. It was scary, bits and pieces reminded me of paranormal activity. It was a little stupefying by the mid-3/4 of the movie. Astral Projection? Hahaha. Spoiler. But, it was a fun movie in a sort of oh shit kind of way.

If you get the chance to see the movie, then go. I wasn't disappointed. The ending, I didn't expect. But, the male lead, as with paranormal activity, was a tad bit predictable. The sort of alpha male type who does not listen to the wife and tends to be pessimistic and a realist in these types of movies, that are beyond being realistic.

I got a good scare watching the movie, actually, quite a lot of scares. I didn't even feel embarrassed having to cover my ears in parts where I didn't want to get a jolt from shock. It was fun really. I would rate it 8/10. There were parts in the movie where comedic scenes were inserted, but I think, they did good to lighten up the movie, and stir it to somewhere less predictable, but it also added the cheese factor - which well, I don't appreciate. So, it's a double edge there.

CH40: Expectations

Expectations. While In transit home, it got me thinking. Expectations. Not the expectations on myself, but of others on me.

I've always been the type to live up to people's expectations. My family, relatives and friends. By my evaluation, career wise, I've done the best I can to live up to, yes, their expectations. Their expectations become the measure for my own expectations.

But is that all there is to life?

I'm happy where I am now and what I've come to achieve. But, well, lately I've been feeling down and bummed out. Couldn't figure it out until recently.

It's like smoke and mirrors. The facade I've kept up to make sure people find that I'm living a good life, a perfect life? - to live up to their expectations. Maybe it's just me, or the homesickness?, or perhaps...my insecurities. But well, I feel empty.

Quarter life crisis? Perhaps yes, perhaps no. But I am still in search of that something - as Westlife sings it - to make me feel complete.

perhaps, it's because I've been living for others that I've forgotten what it's like to live for myself. Void of the usual comforts I've gotten used to, well,I find myself, alone and not knowing where to go.

This is where I come out to admit that it seems I live for my work. My career. As it is a basis for "them" to gauge to some degree of tangibility my worth.

This is where I go to admit that last week was a slump. The bottom of the pit. I didn't have anything to do with work. There comes the anxiety of the account I'm working to coming to contract's end. What will happen if I ... Haha I'm even scared to say it out loud... But what the hell - what if I don't get renewed? I dont want the rug to be swept under me. And so what will happen? Ruined expectations.

Perhaps I'm just over thinking it, or I'm just fretting, but well, I live in the now. And thus week I have plenty of work being on shift. So I'll think more about this next week.

And maybe by then I find something else to live for.

What is the measure of being on top? They say it gets oh so lonely at the top. Does this mean I've reached the pinnacle then? I sure hope not, there's more I expect of myself I project to them to expect of me.

[Review] Adele

So, lately, Adele has been the artist played the most in my Iphone as well as ipod nano when I work out.
I really like her voice. Listening to her reminds me of the time, when I first listened to Amy Winehouse. I hope that Adele doesnt turn out like the latter wreck haha. Such a waste of talent. I only got to listen to Amy Winehouse when I heard about the ravings and the grammys etc. The hook to it was when I read or heard somewhere that Amy's album was recorded as is - no auto tuning or whatever enhancement. And I actually believed it.

Same with Adele, I watched some of her you tube videos already and I can say that, well, she really sounds better live.

The drawback though to listening to her is how it has been affecting my mood. Hahaha, such mellow songs in a foreign country, all alone - well you get my drift. Adele, well, I don't know, there's something about her voice or the way she sings that transcends. It's like, well, I can't say that I have been through all the moments she sings about, but, well, I get affected somehow.

And call it S&M or whatnot, but I'll keep listening until I get tired of it. Hahaha, sometimes when I want to switch up the mood, I listen to Rihanna's album instead. Fancy tunes. S&M.

[Random] April 10

I spent the day in and out of sleep/work. Dozing off, waking up checking the mailbox, dozing off, waking up to perform some activities for two application servers for work. Then dozing off again and waking up to perform the BW production release activity for work, then dozing off, and waking up to check on issues. Then dozing off to continue work on the production release once counterparts confirmed their parts were finished.

After the shift, I saw to it that I finished at least all the imports to production and maintenance window. After which, I decided to have something to eat. When I got back home, I decided to take a quick nap, thinking perhaps after I could go out to a pub and get something to drink - hahahaha, umiemo effect. But then the nap turned to 5 hours of sleep.

Woke up, went out to eat again lol.

So, I spent the day before my birthday doing nothing exciting.
I'm becoming such a bore.

[Random] Singapore Club Scene

So, for the first time ever, I was able to go out and party with friends without any worries of having the "driver's hat" on. So, party we went!

I can't say though that I got wasted, because, I didn't.

It was also fun getting free drinks care of a DJ friend of a friend. I think, all in all, I got to hop through 3 bars. And I have to say that the experience was very fun. Not much difference with the scenes I have been to in Manila, although, I have to note though that the first two places I went to were a lot smaller than I expected them to be.

The last one, in Clark Quay - Attica, was huge! Although, there were Napis inside as well, and I have to say, that, really, when people say they have BO, they do. Although, I won't generalize, but there was this one person who just went past us, and the stench stood still in the air, and we had to find somewhere else to dance and drink. I had to use an inhaler (Vicks) for nasal congestion to get the smell out and take the dizziness away.

Anyway, I'm blabbing again.

It was fun really. To party without any worry of getting too drunk to drive home, or getting too wasted to be able to get home. Alcohol will keep me sane here in Singapore. Haha.

[Random] Birthday Blues

SOOOOoooo ... my birthday is coming up, and I don't know why, but i'm having birthday blues.

Mood swings, temperaments, etc etc.

OR maybe, i'm just tired from a night of walking to find the fossil watch I saw in Fossil's release for 2011 - for my sister.

Well, I'm trying to think things through why I feel this way, but still, no clue. I'll just sleep this off.