CH241: Skin Tight

So, I've got a lot of back log in terms of updates on this blog. My family visited me two weeks ago (it's been two weeks already?!) and I should probably write about that. But with all the work that's coming in and projects that I need to do on my last few weeks here in SG, it feels more like I'm going away with a BANG.

Anyway, one time coming home from the new project for work that was a bit like the proverbial monkey wrench in the cog wheel, my battery ran out, and I had nothing to do to preoccupy myself in the train ride home. So, I decided to go old school and write down some thoughts on paper in the train.

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September 19, 2014

The reality of it is, we evolve and change no matter what. It's in our DNA I should say to adapt.

I realized something that seems so obvious I had to wonder why I didn't realize it sooner: "we actually grow into our own skin." I mean that in the sense that the world and society a generation back (or at least from my perception) had the expectation that when you become an adult, you know what you want and what to do and what to accomplish. But, maybe this realization comes with age and maturity, or traveling, but I have noticed with myself, minute and distinct changes in attitude and taste.

In my 28.5 years of living, I've discovered for one thing last year that I'm actually repulsed by the idea of drinking orange juice with pulp. There's something off with the pulp's texture mixed in with orange juice. Like how I also realized early on that I abhor marshmallows (the texture as well) and how I find it gross to eat pineapple that's mixed in with something savory - like Hawaiian pizza for instance.

I feel like I'm less affected by things that could get me worked up and have my emotions stirred. Things that annoy me could linger in my head and I'd be vocal about it and unnecessarily cause friction before, right now, I'm more "edited" or "curated" with how I speak and present myself. There's that filter that sometimes just comes on now more often than it did before - that goes: "Is this something worth getting fired up about? Is it worth your time? etc"

The thing about the realization is that never in my life at that point in time I realized it, have I felt most comfortable in my own skin. Like I've said before (CH235: Life Lessons at 28), self-acceptance is important. But a notch higher above it is self contentment.

CH227: Wrap Up

1. "I root for all things and persons that challenge social norm because they foster tolerance and respect."

-Tweeted in response to seeing a native (aeta?) Filipina youth performing on The Voice Kids edition

http://entertainment.abs-cbn.com/tv/shows/thevoicekids/videos/2014/06/22/try-it-on-my-own-by-grace

2. "Secrets are corrosive. A cake left hidden will become stale."

"Like and love are different by 2 letters and that makes all the difference."

-Quotable quotes spoken to friends over on our whatsapp group

3. "Pain demands to be felt"

-quote from The Fault in Our Stars movie I watched with Ange yesterday.

-I believe pain forms and shapes our beings more profoundly than good experiences. Only through pain and struggles do we develop the skin to endure harder strifes and challenges. But it doesn't mean we go seeking to experience them

4. As the days come closer to knowing the results of my application (TBR - to be revealed ... eventually - because I don't want to risk preempting it by letting too many people know about it superstition), I feel calmer and more excited about the next steps in life that will open up. My exit ticket. My moment to take a break from working and go to the US and Europe for maybe 2 months (this is what I look forward to doing ---- IF I manage to save enough).

5. Being single since December, I've learned a lot more lessons the past 6 months. Not to sound amoral, but my mind has become more liberal and less conservative. I'm pertaining about my perception towards NSA statuses and experiences. Not just the 1 night stand sort of thing where an eventual walk of shame is part of the procession, but hmmm it's hard to put into words. But knowing I'll be leaving Singapore in a not so distant future (God willing / hopefully) has opened my mind up to the possibilities and experiences and all that they entail. Whereas before, they were more about conquests for fun (and world domination/conquest - entries of which have seen been kept private ;) ), now they feel more like living the good experiences and enjoying the adrenaline. Enjoying the power that one can command with sex. (Sex as in not particularly pertaining to the act.) Sex is more than just an act now, it now involves power, domination and appeal. You either know how to control and use it, or ... You're missing out on the experience (says the liberal thinker). There's more to it than seeking a relationship or seeking a shag. There is now a grey area where the best of both worlds can be achieved. The only fair warning of course: "the person who falls in love first, LOSES." (Ang mainlove talo.) And so far, I'm happy to say that since being single...I haven't lost yet. I flirt with the temptation of losing, but the game must go on. blah blah.

6. I've been so stressed with work but I didn't let it overcome me. I actually relished the experience. Last week I had several moments where the pressure and technical difficulty constrained by time almost brought me to the brink of tears, but I just pushed on believing in my capabilities of solving the technical aspects and requirements needed for the job. I was so elated by overcoming each challenge that came my way, realizing the HR email I got before the last minute requirement came up that I wasn't only getting renewed but also getting a Bonus was only the icing on top of the cake. I live and work for those moments when after the struggle of trying to resolve an issue, you come out of the rubbles and dust and see the sun shining and you realize you got through all of it on your own. Belief in one's capabilities. Knowing I still had "it" was endearing enough to let me soldier on the next challenges that came with providing the solution as required. I rewarded myself after working 50 hours of 72 a night out with my housemate to watch How to Train Hour Dragon 2 - which was definitely worth it and a great way to de-stress.

7. I'm still feeling thankful that my parents freed us (my siblings and I) from any financial obligation to help out. I can't imagine being the way I am today, if my mom needed me to send money to pay for utilities, monthly allowance or whatever. So, despite thinking sometimes that I wish my parents could give me more (youngest child syndrome), I live everyday thankful for my upbringing and current situation to say that life is great and that it wouldn't be that way partly if my parents had reared me differently. To return my thanks, I decided to pledge booking my mom and dad, bro-SIL-niece-nephew, two rooms in Marina Bay Sands when they visit Singapore on September. I'm saying visit Singapore and not me because they're only coming so my nephew can go to legoland Malaysia. Hahaha. He's been such a good brother to my niece, he deserves a big brother reward :)

CH223: Eurovision 2014

So it's about time I started posting pictures from my trip to Europe last month. But, before I get to it, you can recap some pictures through here:
CH218: Europe (Lisboa, Madrid and Barcelona), Prelude

This entry is more of a celebration that with the recent win of Conchita Wurst in the Eurovision, the age of tolerance, respect, diversity and equality can be ushered in. Although I never really follow Eurovision, some of the people I met during last month's trip made mention of Conchita and related her performance to someone who was already doing something more pop and cheesy in Tel-Aviv. I forgot who it was though :).

So, I hope you enjoyed the video as much as I did. It's been playing almost 40 times as I try to earworm it out of my head. It's so much nicer than my earworm over the weekend - Sexercize.

I think that with a large acceptance of Conchita Wurst in Europe, people in the US and Asia and other parts of the world, see that there is an existence of these kinds of people who love who they are and what they do. And in that acknowledgement, I hope people learn to accept and respect rather than ridicule and joke.

It's just sad that in one Conchita's speeches, she mentioned that tolerance and respect is what she will fight for, but it's not something she feels she'll live to see happen.

CH222: Unshackled

Bangkok has done wonders! The people I met during the recent trip have done what I thought was the impossible.

CH220: Missed
CH221: Mai Pen Rai!

If I should be honest - my last relationship officially ended sometime December last year. The exact day, I can't even be bothered to remember. From that time till now, we've been friends. It was hard to pull off a move on when those threads of emotions tug you back to the realms that are all too familiar and common. It was harder when in the back of your mind, the hope, that faint glimmer of hope voices out that if I continued waiting, then things will eventually get back to how things were. Despite eternal rationalizations that it was a relationship built on loose foundations that grew toxic but was ignored out of *cough* "love", I couldn't fully "Let It Go." - sorry for the Frozen reference.

I was always telling myself that time will pass and things will get easier. But I couldn't decide whether that was a time I'd look forward to seeing or not. Even when I was in Barcelona, Madrid and Lisbon - despite the numerous gratification and 1 vacation fling, it wasn't enough to really ditch that hope residing.

Fast forward to before my flight to Bangkok, and I confessed to my ex about exactly how I was feeling, and that I wasn't saying those things because I wanted a change of heart from anyone, but I did so because I need to let it out and be done with it. And, now, coming back from Bangkok and with all the experiences I had and the romance I experienced, it's like, "Wow, what a difference a weekend can make."

If I fell in love that hard in my relationship, and had good and bad moments, scary moments even as some close friends know, it just comes with living. Those are experiences that have shaped me and perhaps will shape me further in the future, but it's all in the past. I enjoyed being single in Bangkok. It allowed me to meet new people, new friends, and even previous acquaintances.

I'm not sure when I'll be ready to fall in love again, but I know that when the time does come, I'll know better. Like Paloma Faith croons, it's the sweetest pain. Painful, but worth it. So for now, I'll just enjoy things as they are and worry less about this aspect of living life. #maipenrai

So....Bangkok May 23-25 tickets booked. Anyone want to come along :) I'm going there with someone though ;)

CH93: Over A Bed of Greens

Ever since Lady Gaga's concert here in Singapore, I've been feeling like the sky is all gray. Like there's some imminent change that's to befall on me. Usually, when this mood comes swinging, I prefer to be alone and mull over things - reflect.

1. Part of what I'm feeling may be the anticipation that maybe by December but hopefully early next year, I'll be moving to NZ to start anew and work to residency. Eventually becoming a New Zealand citizen. It's a choice I feel I have to make this early. Part of my resolve last year was that, aside from overcoming certain fears, I should be making decisions for the future and put to stop the playing around.

2. I had an internal argument before with regards to most people's opinion of whether some people were born the way they are or it was a matter of choice for them...

CH49: On the ledge

The other day, I tweeted the following:

• Accidntlly locked myself out. LOL. Had to jump to the ledge and go into my room through the window hahaha super exciting! #andstupid
• Thank God we only live on the 4th floor
• i forgot to mention that the distance from the condo's ledge to my window's ledge is about the same height as i am. #upperbodystrength :p

 For some weird reason, i unconsciously locked my bedroom when I took a shower. Thankfully, I had clothes on me and  a towel when I went to the toilet. Otherwise, I would have performed my stunt with only a towel around my waist.

My initial reaction when I found out that I locked myself out was laugh. It was an absurd situation to be in. I didn't have my phone with me, and I just literally only had the clothes on my back. For a brief second, a hypothetical event flashed through my mind about spending the whole day without money and just walking about the condo, or even going out to Balestier road (where a lot of budget hotels are) and try to be a beggar for a day.

But, I snapped out of the daydream with the thought of having some activities lined up for work. Commitments that shouldn't be missed! So I went to the door of the landlord and tried to knock and knock hoping that they were still in and had their spare key with them. After realizing that they already left, I look through the toilet and see the window open (to let the steam out of the shower).

I knew then what I had to do.

I dressed up and went to my door and wore my slippers.

I looked out the window of the toilet and saw that I had to jump down a distance about the same height as my foot to shoulder.

I only had about two feet of width to stand on.

But weirdly enough, my usual scare of heights especially when I'm close to the edge without any railings didn't come through.

I walked the ledge to my room, opened the window, pushed myself up. 

As I didn't have any foothold to push myself up further through the room, I had to grab hold of my bed to have that grounding I needed to get through the window.

Seriously, I had a really good time doing it.

It reminded me of the adventure I had in Rayleigh (Thailand) where I climbed up and hiked through a mountain which was very muddy after the rain (mostly by myself, aside from the 1 or two foreigners I came across the muddy adventure).

I realized as well how much I've gotten stronger and fitter since I started doing yoga and swimming. I don't think I would have accomplished the same feat as effortlessly as I did if my body was in the same state it was in pre-June of this year (ahem. 84kg?! would you believe? now i'm around 70-71kg)

It also made me realize that when put in a situation of "must-do" - when you give yourself time to be reluctant and hesitant about doing it - then, well, most likely, you'll end up wasting time contemplating on things. It was quite refreshing "Just doing it." And this is where I will segue, yes, I must skydive when I go to NZ!

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Coincidentally, the night prior to the event, I was entertaining the thought of locking my window after reading a Facebook status of my friend - about how someone was trying to get into her house by breaking off the window grills to her room. I was LOL-ing when I read that she scared off the would-be-thief by looking at the window and asking, "Sino yan?" 

It's Christmas time in our beloved Philippines.

If I had closed my window, then maybe I would have resorted to breaking off my door.

CH47: White Noise

What's wrong about not missing Filipino food?
What's wrong about not missing the Philippines?
What's wrong about not wanting to invest in a place I'm not sure I'll retire in?

After seeing the viral coke-video that's been making rounds in the social media sites, I couldn't help but feel disconnected. I'm an OFW in the sense, but my reasons are different than theirs.
From the video, it seems to me that it pains them to actually have to work in a foreign land away from their family. But in my case, I'm actually having a great time.
Perhaps, it's in the structure of my family. All 5 of us are in different countries - covering 4 timezones. I'm part of the next-gen OFW - the generation that is making the conscious choice to live and work abroad.

To live and work abroad not for anyone else's sake but my own.

I like living and working in Singapore. It's actually refreshing to be free of the traffic jams and pollution. I like not being surrounded by noise from the media. I like being away from the saturated news and the distracting billboards. I like how my shoes do not seem to get dirty - contrary to how dirty it gets just by walking through the car park to the mall. I like how safe it is here. I like the accessibility of the pools and how convenient it is here to actually make a healthy living and adapt a healthy lifestyle.

I like so many things here in Singapore that I'm sure I can find elsewhere abroad - when and if I choose my next destination.

But, with so many things I like - does that mean I hate the Philippines?
With regards to the questions I initially asked:

• What's wrong about not missing Filipino food?
• What's wrong about not missing the Philippines?
• What's wrong about not wanting to invest in a place I'm not sure I'll retire in?

I left the Philippines without any notion of what to expect I'll turn out to be. In my mind, I expected to be the same way I was. To love the same things I was used to loving. To be the same person that I am - or was.

But, as I stay in Singapore more and more, the more I realize, that perhaps, the Philippines is not really the place I want to grow old and die in. I don't miss Filipino food nor crave for them. When I went to the Philippines twice, I never really craved to order for anything. My mom and I ate at our usual eateries - Sumo Sam or Cyma. The only thing I miss in the Philippines are my mom, dog and friends/relatives - oh and driving. My family is all around the world, it's hard to say the Philippines is still home. 

I don't miss Chicken Joy. I don't know exactly what to miss in the Philippines, that's why I'm using the context I usually hear from people. I don't know what to miss because, in my head, there's nothing in the coming future for me to miss in it.

People grow up and move on. At this point, I've come to accept that if the time comes for me to apply for permanent residency or a migrant visa - that yes, I'll go for it. I'm not saying that I'll go for it here in Singapore- maybe NZ or somewhere in Europe?

Which is to say - I'm ready to give up my Philippine citizenship.

The thought having already encroached itself, actually makes me defensive when I get the questions like the ones above. Is it so wrong to already consider rescinding my citizenship?

In the apathy I've grown to and have come to enshroud myself with, there's nothing wrong with the thought. Given that the world is coming to terms with globalization, what is citizenship or home country? 

Patriotism and nationalism are dead to me.

People live their lives to their own ideals. People are given the free will - the freedom - to choose who they want to be. People do things to make them happy (bound by ethics and morality?). People have the choice to choose.

If for some, they feel that patriotism and nationalism make people better people. Then that's them - not me.

CH45: !equal | equal'

The more I live in this world, the more I realize and feel strongly that there will never be equality in the world.

Genetically speaking, we were never created equal. Why would some people have fairer (acne free) skin while others are plagued by them? Why would there be tall and small? Why would there be people with proportions considered beautiful? Why would there be people who are genetically skinny while others fat?

Or is there only inequality because man has put up measures to set people apart with standards of what's beautiful? What's true? What's wrong? What's better or worse?

Well irregardless of man's imposition, it still stands as is. In this world, not everyone is created equal. Some are more intelligent than others. That one I think is by no means man's imposition on standard. It comes of as matter of fact.

There will always be someone better than the other. Someone will be less significant than others. There will never be equality, only struggles to achieve it.

But then again, struggles and trials make us better. Better than the previous us. So, in a sense, there should be inequality in the world for us to struggle to become better. The sooner we accept that, the sooner we can work on making ourselves better, so at some point we become equal to what we aspire to be.