A different perspective: Undesirable (October 27, 2014)
The cold air blows past his face
His grown hair fluttering, dancing
His eyes are closed
His mind deep in thought
By the balcony, outside he stands
He is shielded away from the quiet
The music, blaring the beat
Pacing the rhythm, stirring emotions
He opens an app on his phone
A profile, last online 12 mins ago
Cute, good looking, he messages
Hoping for a reply, maybe
An ember glows as he inhales
Exhales, then a stream of smoke
He flicks the cigarette
Ash like snow, light and flitting
He feels the buzz of his phone
Opens the app from earlier
Nothing. Phantom vibrations
The person he messaged - Online
Several sent messages, no response
Ignored, overlooked, insecure
A gnawing desperation
Undesirable
Friday, October 31, 2014
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
CH242: Shifting Perspectives
There is only exactly 1 month (31 days in this case) before I fly back to Manila for a few days - then my adventure in Europe begins ... continuing it to the US then back to Manila for what I would say, my longest stay in Manila since coming to Singapore...before I eventually fly off to the land down under.
Nothing much has changed I guess on my end with regards to anticipating and feeling excited. Being excited for Europe, Australia,and everything is at the back of my mind. Before I flew with my ex before to London, I was accused of being nonchalant about the trip and the experience. I only felt excited the day before the flight. I guess, it has to do with not feeling so high only to feel low when it doesn't happen or push through? Is there logic to that? Right now, I've been busy with work. I work in a secure site as well and access to internet is restricted - no smartphones allowed for external staff - so yeah, work.
-----
To some of the people at work who learned I would be resigning or that I have "tendered" (the verb I've been hearing around), after hearing that I will be moving to Australia, their first question is so you've found work? And it sort of became redundant and feeling a bit like a broken record to say that no, it's too early to look for work at this time since I will be taking a break from working.
-----
One friend of mine messaged me several weeks back: "Wow! I'm really surprised you're leaving Singapore considering how well you are doing there."
So what's the point of this entry? With my answers and how I went about this exit from Singapore, it made me realize that, there seems to have been a shift in perspective. I've had 4 projects/works here in Singapore in the span of 3 years 10 months. Prior to that I had 2 jobs in the Philippines in the span of 2 years 9 months. In Singapore, my reasons for changing jobs were job security, higher pay, better package, more stable, better working environment, challenging, etc. But now, there's simply no reason at the moment for me to take this break...this sabbatical before I fly off to Sydney...other than because I want to so I will.
Whatever happened to the old me concerned about all the reasons I listed down to justify changing jobs (which were all on a contract basis i.e. not permanent or regular)? I'm guessing (as I'm not 100% sure yet - only time will tell) I just got tired of partying, traveling, working and just making money and just living the Singapore life. I feel I'm ready to settle down (not get married) but to really set up roots in a place I will fall in love with (with or without someone else - that's a different matter haha). There's no anger or resentment with Singapore for not giving me PR the first time I tried or with the companies I worked for - for not offering regular employment. I feel like I'm leaving Singapore because the adventure has run its course (a lot earlier than I had planned which was to stay for at least 5 years), and for me to stay longer will just chip away the hopes I have of achieving the dreams I dream of. So, despite the luxuries and comforts I can accord myself here, I don't think I'll ever truly be happy knowing I can be happier and live my dreams elsewhere.
It will be sad to leave very good friends in Singapore. It will be scary to make the transition and starting over. It will be down right terrifying. But, I've let go and I am letting go. Right now I'm free falling with indifference, straight faced. I sometimes feel people may think I'm not that excited to leave or travel when I answer because I don't answer with as much enthusiasm as I should. But it's still a long way to go...i haven't even thought about whether from this free fall, I'll crash or hit the ground running.
Nothing much has changed I guess on my end with regards to anticipating and feeling excited. Being excited for Europe, Australia,and everything is at the back of my mind. Before I flew with my ex before to London, I was accused of being nonchalant about the trip and the experience. I only felt excited the day before the flight. I guess, it has to do with not feeling so high only to feel low when it doesn't happen or push through? Is there logic to that? Right now, I've been busy with work. I work in a secure site as well and access to internet is restricted - no smartphones allowed for external staff - so yeah, work.
-----
To some of the people at work who learned I would be resigning or that I have "tendered" (the verb I've been hearing around), after hearing that I will be moving to Australia, their first question is so you've found work? And it sort of became redundant and feeling a bit like a broken record to say that no, it's too early to look for work at this time since I will be taking a break from working.
-----
One friend of mine messaged me several weeks back: "Wow! I'm really surprised you're leaving Singapore considering how well you are doing there."
So what's the point of this entry? With my answers and how I went about this exit from Singapore, it made me realize that, there seems to have been a shift in perspective. I've had 4 projects/works here in Singapore in the span of 3 years 10 months. Prior to that I had 2 jobs in the Philippines in the span of 2 years 9 months. In Singapore, my reasons for changing jobs were job security, higher pay, better package, more stable, better working environment, challenging, etc. But now, there's simply no reason at the moment for me to take this break...this sabbatical before I fly off to Sydney...other than because I want to so I will.
Whatever happened to the old me concerned about all the reasons I listed down to justify changing jobs (which were all on a contract basis i.e. not permanent or regular)? I'm guessing (as I'm not 100% sure yet - only time will tell) I just got tired of partying, traveling, working and just making money and just living the Singapore life. I feel I'm ready to settle down (not get married) but to really set up roots in a place I will fall in love with (with or without someone else - that's a different matter haha). There's no anger or resentment with Singapore for not giving me PR the first time I tried or with the companies I worked for - for not offering regular employment. I feel like I'm leaving Singapore because the adventure has run its course (a lot earlier than I had planned which was to stay for at least 5 years), and for me to stay longer will just chip away the hopes I have of achieving the dreams I dream of. So, despite the luxuries and comforts I can accord myself here, I don't think I'll ever truly be happy knowing I can be happier and live my dreams elsewhere.
It will be sad to leave very good friends in Singapore. It will be scary to make the transition and starting over. It will be down right terrifying. But, I've let go and I am letting go. Right now I'm free falling with indifference, straight faced. I sometimes feel people may think I'm not that excited to leave or travel when I answer because I don't answer with as much enthusiasm as I should. But it's still a long way to go...i haven't even thought about whether from this free fall, I'll crash or hit the ground running.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
[Random] I am
I am (October 14, 2014)
I am desire
Image objectified
Lusted for
I am fantasy
Dreams embodied
Wishes fulfilled
I am wrath
Equality purveyed
Justice served
I am ambition
Soaring high
Goals attained
I am free
Free to love
Free to be
I am, I
Not yours
My own
-----
The above sort of expressionism was inspired by the Chanel Spring+Summer 2015 show I saw last week.
-----
The above sort of expressionism was inspired by the Chanel Spring+Summer 2015 show I saw last week.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
CH241: Skin Tight
So, I've got a lot of back log in terms of updates on this blog. My family visited me two weeks ago (it's been two weeks already?!) and I should probably write about that. But with all the work that's coming in and projects that I need to do on my last few weeks here in SG, it feels more like I'm going away with a BANG.
Anyway, one time coming home from the new project for work that was a bit like the proverbial monkey wrench in the cog wheel, my battery ran out, and I had nothing to do to preoccupy myself in the train ride home. So, I decided to go old school and write down some thoughts on paper in the train.
---------------------------------
September 19, 2014
The reality of it is, we evolve and change no matter what. It's in our DNA I should say to adapt.
I realized something that seems so obvious I had to wonder why I didn't realize it sooner: "we actually grow into our own skin." I mean that in the sense that the world and society a generation back (or at least from my perception) had the expectation that when you become an adult, you know what you want and what to do and what to accomplish. But, maybe this realization comes with age and maturity, or traveling, but I have noticed with myself, minute and distinct changes in attitude and taste.
In my 28.5 years of living, I've discovered for one thing last year that I'm actually repulsed by the idea of drinking orange juice with pulp. There's something off with the pulp's texture mixed in with orange juice. Like how I also realized early on that I abhor marshmallows (the texture as well) and how I find it gross to eat pineapple that's mixed in with something savory - like Hawaiian pizza for instance.
I feel like I'm less affected by things that could get me worked up and have my emotions stirred. Things that annoy me could linger in my head and I'd be vocal about it and unnecessarily cause friction before, right now, I'm more "edited" or "curated" with how I speak and present myself. There's that filter that sometimes just comes on now more often than it did before - that goes: "Is this something worth getting fired up about? Is it worth your time? etc"
The thing about the realization is that never in my life at that point in time I realized it, have I felt most comfortable in my own skin. Like I've said before (CH235: Life Lessons at 28), self-acceptance is important. But a notch higher above it is self contentment.
Anyway, one time coming home from the new project for work that was a bit like the proverbial monkey wrench in the cog wheel, my battery ran out, and I had nothing to do to preoccupy myself in the train ride home. So, I decided to go old school and write down some thoughts on paper in the train.
---------------------------------
September 19, 2014
The reality of it is, we evolve and change no matter what. It's in our DNA I should say to adapt.
I realized something that seems so obvious I had to wonder why I didn't realize it sooner: "we actually grow into our own skin." I mean that in the sense that the world and society a generation back (or at least from my perception) had the expectation that when you become an adult, you know what you want and what to do and what to accomplish. But, maybe this realization comes with age and maturity, or traveling, but I have noticed with myself, minute and distinct changes in attitude and taste.
In my 28.5 years of living, I've discovered for one thing last year that I'm actually repulsed by the idea of drinking orange juice with pulp. There's something off with the pulp's texture mixed in with orange juice. Like how I also realized early on that I abhor marshmallows (the texture as well) and how I find it gross to eat pineapple that's mixed in with something savory - like Hawaiian pizza for instance.
I feel like I'm less affected by things that could get me worked up and have my emotions stirred. Things that annoy me could linger in my head and I'd be vocal about it and unnecessarily cause friction before, right now, I'm more "edited" or "curated" with how I speak and present myself. There's that filter that sometimes just comes on now more often than it did before - that goes: "Is this something worth getting fired up about? Is it worth your time? etc"
The thing about the realization is that never in my life at that point in time I realized it, have I felt most comfortable in my own skin. Like I've said before (CH235: Life Lessons at 28), self-acceptance is important. But a notch higher above it is self contentment.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
CH240: Mainstream
As weird as my thought process goes, after watching Panic! at the disco doing a rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody, my mind went to thoughts on mainstreaming.
At first I was like, who is this band? Their cover is good. Then I thought, they must have been an obscure band before - that was able to catch the current and go mainstream from indie or underground.
Currently, going mainstream and viral has become mostly easier with technology. With so many social media platforms to be discovered in, talents are easier shared and discovered. How was it like before for musicians? Handing off tapes, constantly performing in pubs to be discovered by a talent scout?
This is beside the point I wanted to make. There is power in mainstream. Why would there be social media campaigns to change the thought and opinions of people, to raise awareness etc? Governments use it (social media) to affect the direction the stream flows. We've seen Russia try to influence the mainstream with their fabrications and cover ups with the downing of MH17. We've seen ISIS go mainstream with their gore. Somehow, IMO they're very much like Al Qaeda but with a better representation on social media. They've ridden mainstream and were able to use social media as a platform for recruitment.
I find it pretentious when people denounce mainstream. Let's take another example from something fictional - True Blood. The vampires campaigned for mainstreaming with the introduction of the human blood aptly called True Blood. They presented themselves as safe because they've synthesized a product that will stave them off from feeding on humans.
Another example would be the gay identity. There are pride events in different cities to raise awareness on equality. Awareness is being raised on discrimination, unfair treatment, abuse and bullying, which otherwise would go on to be accepted and unspoken. People fight for awareness to influence mainstream.
Mainstreaming is very much a western concept it seems. Western mindset feels more open. Different movements started from the west: Gay Pride, PETA, Wikileaks, Feminism, the different causes UN pushed (anti poverty, hunger), AIDS awareness, etc. (For ISIS, I believe, it's a westerner who manages their social media campaigns). I guess it's because America is the number one superpower which is why?
Mainstreaming is a thing I would say everyone aspires to ride on in one way or another. People looking for likes, riding the waves of popularity (fads: Philippines- ihop, uniqlo, etc). Mainstreaming is a thing. Let's not deny it.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
CH239: Paella Night
I So my housemate and I just finished hosting our Paella night. She made a seafood paella Negra while I made a simple chicken, chorizo and shrimp paella.
I am so happy it turned out well considering it was my first time making the dish and I must say without any conceit that it's almost at par with the one I tried in barcelona :)
Definitely feeling fulfilled about this culinary accomplishment!
I learned after peeling four cloves of garlic that you need to crush it first before you peel to make it easier.
Presentation makes the food tastier! Make it look good and instagram the shit out of it.
Success!
My housemates seafood paella negra
Pictures!
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
[Random] Top 20 Cities Meme
I was just tagged on Facebook by a well-traveled friend to share my Top 20 cities.
As it felt a bit like a #humblebrag to post on Facebook, I figured I'll just put it down here. It's also a good reference :) Unlike the book meme which took me a while to write down and list, this one came a bit easier. One of my favorite question I like to ask on dates is "What are your 3 favorite cities - that you've visited?" - so seeing it expand to 20 well, I guess that's why this meme is by well-traveled people tagging "well-traveled" friends.
From what I've observed on the top of the list, having 4 seasons is more to my liking.
--------------------
Your Top 20 Cities. Tag me and 20 of your well-traveled friends to find out their favorite destinations.
Here's mine:
1. New York, USA
2. London, UK
3. Taipei, Taiwan
4. Madrid, Spain
5. Lisbon, Portugal
6. Bangkok, Thailand
7. Barcelona, Spain
8. Hongkong, China
9. Edinbrugh, UK (Scotland)
10. Singapore, Singapore
11. Wellington, New Zealand
12. Las Vegas, US
13. Auckland, New Zealand
14. Siem Reap, Cambodia
15. Vigan, Philippines
16. Los Angeles, USA
17. Boracay, Philippines
18. Bali, Indonesia
19. Cascais, Portugal
20. Davao City, Philippines
--------------------
Sabbatical (possible) additions/omissions
Amsterdam, The Netherlands
Hague, The Netherlands
Brussels, Belgium
Ghent, Belgium
Bruges, Belgium
Milan, Italy
Genoa, Italy
Pisa, Italy
Cinque Terre (Monterosso, Vernazza, Corniglia, Manarola, Riomaggiore), Italy
Nice, France
(Eze, France)
(Monte Carlo, Monacco)
Lyon, France
Paris, France
San Francisco, USA
Sydney, Australia
Melbourne, Australia
As it felt a bit like a #humblebrag to post on Facebook, I figured I'll just put it down here. It's also a good reference :) Unlike the book meme which took me a while to write down and list, this one came a bit easier. One of my favorite question I like to ask on dates is "What are your 3 favorite cities - that you've visited?" - so seeing it expand to 20 well, I guess that's why this meme is by well-traveled people tagging "well-traveled" friends.
From what I've observed on the top of the list, having 4 seasons is more to my liking.
--------------------
Your Top 20 Cities. Tag me and 20 of your well-traveled friends to find out their favorite destinations.
Here's mine:
1. New York, USA
2. London, UK
3. Taipei, Taiwan
4. Madrid, Spain
5. Lisbon, Portugal
6. Bangkok, Thailand
7. Barcelona, Spain
8. Hongkong, China
9. Edinbrugh, UK (Scotland)
10. Singapore, Singapore
11. Wellington, New Zealand
12. Las Vegas, US
13. Auckland, New Zealand
14. Siem Reap, Cambodia
15. Vigan, Philippines
16. Los Angeles, USA
17. Boracay, Philippines
18. Bali, Indonesia
19. Cascais, Portugal
20. Davao City, Philippines
--------------------
Sabbatical (possible) additions/omissions
Amsterdam, The Netherlands
Hague, The Netherlands
Brussels, Belgium
Ghent, Belgium
Bruges, Belgium
Milan, Italy
Genoa, Italy
Pisa, Italy
Cinque Terre (Monterosso, Vernazza, Corniglia, Manarola, Riomaggiore), Italy
Nice, France
(Eze, France)
(Monte Carlo, Monacco)
Lyon, France
Paris, France
San Francisco, USA
Sydney, Australia
Melbourne, Australia
Saturday, September 13, 2014
CH238: Travel 101
Budget. Budget. Plan. Organize. Prepare.
I was up till 5am earlier this morning planning accomodations and transpo for my upcoming sabbatical.
God! New York accomodations are so expensive! Peak new year?!
So now I'm at the beach. After soaking up some sun, I wrote down all my expenses so far, forecasted expense, cash inflow and current liabilities. I'm a little stressed since the computations include my family's vacation which messes things up a bit.
Que cera. I shouldn't be so stressed since I decided to move out most of my money to Australia for when I migrate so that's a safety net. I just have to stick to my budget and plan accordingly. Plus! After sending IRAS (tax authority of Singapore) an email last week, I got my assessment last Friday and that's been paid for. One liability out of the way. Right now, let me soak up more sun and just worry about being without money some other day!
Monday, September 8, 2014
CH237: Life's a beach
[Update] The hotel manager of W Hotel just called me to inform me that they have found my wallet in the lady's toilet. :)
Life's a bitch. My wallet was stolen last weekend at W Hotel. In the span of 10 minutes from when I last saw it...boom. Gone.
Or I'll just make do with the other Mont Blanc wallet my ex gave me and buy the Prada in Milan when I go in December.
Life's a bitch. My wallet was stolen last weekend at W Hotel. In the span of 10 minutes from when I last saw it...boom. Gone.
I think it was the veuve clicquot champagne that made me impervious to the dangers of a theft. Oh well
I've moved on from the loss of some money, my Mont Blanc card holder, 1 ATM, 2 credit cards, fitness first membership card, Starbucks card and Singapore IC. I watched Fight Club the same evening and as Tyler Durden said "The things you own end up owning you." So, que cera.
I've moved on to dreaming of getting this one which is currently out of stock Except in MBS.
Or I'll just make do with the other Mont Blanc wallet my ex gave me and buy the Prada in Milan when I go in December.
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
[Random] A Curation of Words
Ardent, Amorous
Belligerent
Chagrin
Deciduous
Enlivened
Flagrant
Galvanized
Halcyon
Impervious
Jocund
Kempt
Lascivious
Misanthropic
Nebulous
Obliging
Precarious
Quiescent, Querulous
Rambunctious
Somnambulant
Trepidatious
Unctuous
Vapid, Vitriolic
Wanton
Xenophilic
Yokelish
Zany, Zealous
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