CH236: A Packed Weekend with Friends

Saturday started off early with me needing to come to the west of Singapore to attend a gym class - Body Pump with Ange and Jon. Last Saturday was different in that Jon couldn't come to Pump because he was out drinking late! (He's got drinking problems. LOL JK. He's so behaved. NOT. Now Jon has become ambiguous and let's leave it at that). They went to the gym around 1pm to attend the Body Combat class which I skipped for swimming. We were joined by Jon's friend Lara.

Planking pains.

Swimming.

I got back home to a house party hosted by my lovable housemate and fag hag Louisa. She cooked pancit, kwek kwek and squid balls! She even concocted her own mix of dipping sauces ala Manong Fishball!

She also ordered a cake called Choco Leche which had a chocolate cake base (super moist!) and a Leche flan top!

Soon after munching, I retired to my bedroom to try and take a nap. But after devouring 15 (a conservative estimate) kwek kwek pieces and cake and ... Lol lets not enumerate, I was pretty much tired from waking early and gym. I couldn't sleep though! I had a dinner meetup with former work colleagues to catch up. So soon after I just went to get ready and danced in the shower to my favorite tunes care of spotify premium! I find that it's an effective means to wake up and shake the sleep off - shower + dance music and karaoke lol.

After the meetup with colleagues, I went to meet Ange and Jon and friends for the Singapore night festival. Although I only saw the exhibits in SAM and the bit of the night festival they had at the facade of SAM. The group went ahead without me to see the other night installations while I caught up with former colleagues.

After which, you might have thought I went back home to sleep. NO rest for the wicked! We went clubbing afterwards. Lol. I met some friends Louisa and Ivan in the pub beside the club and went back dancing - coming out back and forth as other friends came into the Pub lol.

Finally got home around 5am, showered then slept. 5 hours later... I was awoken by my alarm for brunch! Paella brunch at Pasarbella!

A very delicious side of honey roast pork and crackling roast pork! (Combo cost 15 dollars. The paella + chicken + iced lemon earl grey tea was 20 dollars).

After a filling meal, we went to Botanic Gardens for a picnic. We bought wine, and since I was feeling generous and wanted to celebrate the 10th monthsary of a couple friends, I bought us cupcakes!

As soon as I got home, I just had to charge my phone, wash my face and then go to Novena to attend mass with Ange and Jon. They came by my place to have a taste of the squid balls and pancit and the delectable cake after mass! Yum!

It might be taken as strange for me to attend mass, but I do believe in God. Just not religion and I feel closer to God in a place other people consider a place of worship - which since I don't believe in religion may not be entirely what I believe in. But I wanted to find the quiet and space to thank God for all the blessings that he's given to me, my family and ... Well other private conversations :)

I had squid ball in my mouth lol. That's not the new way I smile.

And then after that, I helped clean up, watched a bit of tennis (US OPEN 2013) while waiting for my laundry to finish. I hung up my clothes, ironed my shirts for the week...and now I'm typing this entry in bed while waiting for sleep to come!

It was surely a packed weekend! Looking at the transitions in between each happening, I only had time to freshen up! I couldn't ask for more though. In the company of great friends, food, drinks, art, I couldn't really ask for more. 3 months from now and a few days from this writing, I'll be off to Manila for a few days before my travel begins around Europe then US! I'm so happy to have met these real people in Singapore. There are others of course who I may not have managed to get around to writing, but well, I just figured myself #blessed (I couldn't resist the pretentious hashtag lol) that I have these people in Singapore I can be myself with and just have fun #nodrama. Some people may not have the same luxury of the kinds of friends I have and for that I'm thankful. 

CH235: Life Lessons at 28

A listicle of sorts.

1. Everyone needs to experience a heartbreak.

- It helps us mature and understand what we truly want and need in a relationship. It teaches us about compromise, commitment and the lines we need to draw so as not to lose ourselves

2. Travelling and seeing the world is enriching.

- it gives us perspective on the lives other people live. We get to see other cultures that may be similar or entirely different from our own. We get an appreciation of diversity. We learn respect and understanding. We open our minds.

3. Travelling alone will change you.

- I've travelled by myself on a handful of occasions and I know the experience has changed me for the better. I've learned to cope with the unexpected. I've learned to plan and organize better (sometimes a bit obsessive compulsive). I've learned to embrace the fears travelling alone can bring. I've learned how to be independent and learned as well how to be dependent when the need arises (like asking for directions in a broken Spanish-English when I got lost for a short while in Madrid).

4. Family is a blessing that keeps on giving.

- having blood ties is important. Cherish them. Value them. I feel for the most part of my life, I've overlooked the value and love a family can bring into one's life. I guess having huge age gaps from my two other siblings and my dad mostly working abroad can be considered as causes, but well, I've become independent because of the circumstances.

5. You don't need a lot of friends, just a handful of close important ones is enough.

- it is important in the shaping of our being to have REAL friends we can be true to ourselves with. Like family, cherish them. Make the relationships with them grow. Foster them.

6. Career is important.

- we need to have work and have goals. A careers and it's development gives us purpose. And the obvious fact - it gives us money to become economically independent. It funds our endeavors, hobbies, interests and passion.

7. Having a sufficient number of sexual experiences changes you.

- it's up to you how you make of it. But for me, it's been a positive experience. Monogamy is still important for me, but through sexual experiences, we can discover things about ourselves and our body that will have been otherwise undiscovered. We also can learn social skills, and build our confidence. We become more secure of ourselves and the cloud that fogs sex and the mysticism that sometimes surrounds it are unmasked. We figure out what we like and how we like it done (hahaha). We realize, sex isn't really how pornography makes it out to be. We get our own opinion of sex through the experiences we've had.

8. Reading books, news, literature is important for a holistic development.

- Lord knows how much news I read each day. From current affairs, to tech news, to business, to stocks, etc, it is important as citizens of the world to become aware. It is like travelling in a sense - only your mind and its imagination go to places. Being informed is a necessity to making the right decisions.

9. Appearances matter.

- the other day I was thinking (after seeing my nephews and nieces' pictures), thank God they're cute. And to myself, thank you Lord for I'm not bad looking. Not to be vain or narcissistic, but it's a fact and reality of life where people can be discriminated based on appearance. Physical features can get you to places, but it is also a matter of taking care of yourself and wearing the right clothing etc. Fitness is not overrated!

10. Learn to appreciate museums, arts and theater.

- it's not just for the rich. Knowing a bit about art and giving ourselves time to appreciate them is worth every second. Discovering Koons, pollock, Van Gogh, monet, Picasso, dali, etc gives us depth and character. It enriches our souls. Watching musicals and theater allows us to appreciate diversity and talents that exist in the world.

11. Self acceptance ushers in an evolution of character.

- it's like a line that goes "how can you love others, when you don't know how to love yourself." I'm not being specific here as it should apply in general (based on observation), but people who have accepted themselves for who they are tend to be less stuck up. For my experience, I've learned to be more open to the people who matter - close friends and family. I've become happier. We may be poor and going through hardships, but self acceptance is the first step to moving forward. Yes, we may be poor now, but we're not going to be miserable. I accept that I'm poor or struggling now and make the most of it to ensure I get myself to somewhere, someplace better.

CH234: Permutations

Yesterday afternoon, I got an SMS out of the blue from my dad.

"Hi, Tipz. Now that you have your Australian PR, you need to start prioritizing job, home and car. Set some aside for these. Take care. God Bless. Love you."

My simple reply: "Yes pa, that's the plan once I get to AU. Mortgage, car, and insurance."

There's only so much iterations one can go through to get things right. I've always been undecided about where I wanted to settle before. I had the opportunity to move to New Zealand with a job search visa, but decided not to risk everything and move. The earthquake that happened in Christchurch caused a saturation in the job market for my field in IT - SAP consultancy when the people living in Christchurch were displaced and had to relocate to Auckland / Wellington - the places which had the demand for my field of work when I applied for the SilverFern Job Search visa.

Singapore was never in my mind to be a long term prospect. I realized that after a year of living and working in it. It has always been a stepping stone for something better - AU or NZ. I don't mean that in the negative way - I mean, it's a give or take relationship. I've contributed in one form or the other that may just not be physically tangible as to what other foreign talents have contributed (construction, health care, etc) so I don't feel guilty saying that because I'm thankful.

So, getting back to my dad's message. Sometimes, I do feel that I don't share enough of my plans to everyone in my family, that maybe they think I'm just being the wild child who's off to travel Europe and the US come December and January then move to Australia by February. But the thing is, I am aware of what needs to be done in Australia, like I've told to some of my friends, it's finally my entry to adulthood - the world of mortgages, insurance, loans, and other worries. But I have passion in travelling. From the planning, to booking stuff (flights, accommodations, etc), to looking for the best deals, to organizing routes and itineraries and to finally experiencing the trip, I enjoy each and every one of those moments. I have a feeling that I won't be able to do as much of those things once I get to Australia. In fact, one thing crossed my mind last night: "The next time I'll probably get to see Europe is when I no longer need a visa to see it." For benchmark purposes, I've noted that my sister and husband got a house (more like a mansion considering it's LA and they have a pool and a big backyard) age 38, and my brother and wife got a house age 31-32.

The timing of my dad's message I believe was right in sync when I booked my New York to Los Angeles and San Francisco to Manila flight. Maybe they haven't realized, but the early purchases are not a means to splurge, but rather save. Advance all the finances forward in time to create savings later. I thought it was quite obvious going about it, how my plans are obvious to a third person living outside my experience.

There's only a certain number of permutations in the given amount of time I have left for me to plan, act and to make things right. Only time will tell whether I chose the right sequence or not.

CH233: Amalgamate

Going on a sabbatical and travelling around Europe has always just been a secondary consideration in terms of my plans to leave Singapore. The so-called plan was to be December - Europe, December-January - USA then February - Australia. In terms of monetary situation, it does seem the least bit feasible of all possibilities to pull off considering that I will be needing my savings to survive in Australia.

But, last week, out of impulse, I used my KrisFlyer miles for a ticket going to Amsterdam. It was confirmed almost immediately after paying for the taxes only (which was about a PAL flight to Manila). My impulse to purchase the ticket was partly in consideration that 1. SQ flights to Paris were all wait listed for the day I wanted to go and 2. I only had Amsterdam in my mind for this Europe trip. (I had no intention yet to go to Frankfurt).

Come last Monday, while trying to distract myself from the realities of life and trying to inject some excitement into my otherwise boring corporate life, I booked a flight from Brussels to Milan. I have in part initially only considered the below itinerary:

Netherlands - Dec 5-11
Belgium - Dec 12-16
Luxembourg - Dec 17-20
France (only Paris) - Dec 21-27
New York - Dec 28-Jan 1
Los Angeles - Jan 2-10
San Francisco - Jan 11-14
Manila - Jan 15-31
Australia (For Good) - Feb 1 - Indefinite

After speaking to some friends and mulling on it (again, distracting myself), I realized if this was meant to be travelling to see much more of Europe, then it does not follow that I restrict myself to how much of Europe I'll be seeing. Well, to be honest, I allotted more days than usual in the cities mostly because I know it will be winter and walking around seeing the sites may not really be that ... hmm warm. So, yeah, I decided to fly from Brussels to Milan after browsing for flights and saw that it was one of the cheapest cities you can fly to from Brussels - also in part because the direct flights to Nice, France were very expensive. (I've recently discovered http://flights.google.com to assist in this endeavor of flight scouring.). So, the tentative itinerary now looks like:

Netherlands (Dec 5-9)
----Amsterdam, Dec 5, 6, 7, 8
----Amsterdam, Dec 9 - bus to Bruges
Belgium (Dec 9-13)
----Brussels, Dec 9, 10,
----Bruges, Dec 11
----Ghent, Dec 12
----Brussels, Dec 13 - fly to Milan
Italy (Dec 13-16)
----Milan, Dec 13, 14, 15
----Milan, Dec 16 (train/bus to Nice)
France (Dec 16-28)
----Nice, Dec 16, 17, 18, 19
----Lyon, Dec 20, 21, 22, 23
----Paris, Dec 24, 25, 26, 27
----Paris, Dec 28 - Fly to New York
USA (Dec 28-Jan 14)
----New York, Dec 28, 29, 30, Jan 1
----New York, Jan 2 - fly to Los Angeles
----Los Angeles, Jan 2-10 (visit family and niece's Christening)
----San Francisco - Jan 10-14

I could have stayed in San Francisco a bit longer but my mom said she needed me to be in Manila on the 17th of January for my cousin's wedding. Since it's my cousin from my favorite uncle, I said yes. It was funny how my mom's concern when I told her my plans was when I will be arriving back in Manila to attend the wedding which coincidentally is when the Pope visits the Philippines.

The itinerary is not final yet but it should be as my thoughts and planning on the matter amalgamate. Like for instance, I am considering shortening the days in Nice, Lyon and Milan to include a trip to Rome. But then again, I'm considering travel burn out and the uncertainties of travelling in Winter (this will be my first Winter experience). Well, I've experienced cold weather but never nearing levels of negative.

In other news, I only have 10 episodes left from finishing the 5 seasons of Breaking Bad. If you do the math, if each episode averages 47 minutes, having watched 49 episodes then I've lost 2303 minutes of my life. All in all, that translates to 38.38 hours I've spent watching it since Saturday. I've never seen anything so addictive to just binge watch. I very much like and enjoy seeing how they portray humanity and the consequences of actions. Anyway, that's for a different entry all together if I get around to it.

[Random] Unencumbered

Unencumbered (04/08/2014)

At the precipice of contemplation,
I realized with striking clarity,
that I have moved on from you,
From us, from my loss.

My heart has been mended.
The despair and confusion,
Antiquated feelings like spindly cobwebs,
Swiped clean as frail as they are.

I stared out onto the night.
The neighboring buildings blinking,
On and Off, On and off -
Signs of life and movement.

I spin with the world
As it rotates and orbits around the sun.
Immobility by emotional distress -
A somber concept by romantics and poets.

I hear the distant breeze.
I inhale deep and breathe out,
A sigh of freedom and relief.
The burden is completely gone.

I recall seeing your picture together.
No envy, no jealousy, no remorse, no anger
There was nothing. Absolutely nothing.
"Oh, they look good together."

My phone sounds as a message comes in.
I smile. "It's you. What a coincidence."
I do not bother to reply.
Swipe to the left, delete. Time for bed.

[Random] Threesome

Note: Written to shake off my agitation as shared on  CH232: Contemplation on Starting Over

Threesome (28/07/2014)

Under the covers, warm, satisfied, tired.

I hear the deep breathing resound,

Echoing solemnly in this darkness.

I wondered, "how did I get here again?"

--------------------

The elevator sounded, "Ding!", 22nd floor.

I step out onto the familiar foyer.

The doors open as I was taking my shoes off.

I was offered a seat, a Negroni right in front.

"Try it." It's a cocktail originating a century ago.

I sip and my face showed my opinion of it.

"It's a developed taste," you say

I smiled, the aftertaste was good, lingering.

--------------------

The bed sheet shuffles as you turn to face me.

Heat emanating from the bodies in bed,
Magnified by the warmth of togetherness.

Soon, the bed sheet shuffles some more.

--------------------

The feeling of being welcomed, accepted, appreciated.

A toast with the second round of drinks.

Espresso martinis made fresh, how fancy.

"Cheers to your future. To Australia!" Clink.

I think I prefer this drink more than the first.

I smiled innocently, enjoying the company.

"You've got great teeth!" "Thank you!"

"You're very sweet, cute and sexy."

--------------------

I hear a bit of snoring go on for a bit.

"Why am I still awake?" My thoughts inquire.

A hand caresses my face then moves to my back.

As the hand goes down my spine, the sheets shuffle.

--------------------

I was genuinely captivated, enthralled.

The conversation was flowing naturally.

I noticed to myself how a couple of years back,

This situation would have made me stutter.

I smile, contemplating thoughts in my head.

I caress your arms, your face, as your head rests on my lap 
I think: I like this new me - this confidence.

I smell coffee. The next round of martinis arrive.

--------------------

I didn't even realize I had fallen asleep.

I woke as you turned. I opened my eyes as you stirred.

"Good morning!" And then the sheets were off.

Lying between the two of you, I smiled.

CH232: Contemplation on Starting Over

Life has been easy. A little bit too easy I should say.

On the forefront, in the larger scheme of things, the only struggles I would consider I had in my life, were more trivial things like academics (getting good greats and striving to be on top) as well as career (getting skilled employment that pays well and performing well). I've never had to struggle with trying to make ends meet. I don't think I ever had to worry about money. I've written about it before how thankful I am to my parents for what they have provided for me. They've taken away the concerns most of the people (pertaining to the global population rather than the Philippines in itself) will have like finding food, getting education and seeking out opportunities to make their life better.

I'm acutely aware of the struggles there are in the world. Gaza, Hamas and Israel. Ebola Outbreak in Africa. ISIS in the middle east. Ukraine, Russia and the West, etc. These current events make my worries so small compared to the rest of the world, that sometimes, I feel it's unfair to acknowledge the fears I have to face when I move to Australia. I guess, the more you become aware of the state of the world, the less enthralled you become with acknowledging and working on the things in your life that scare you. Something sort of like that.

The most obvious fear of course with moving and starting over in Australia - finding a job. With just my meager savings in tow, the fear of the possible difficulty of finding work and depleting the savings can be scary. But, what scares me more, is the complacency I have in the back of my head, that if worse comes to worst, my family will be there to bail me out (in this sense - monetary aid). I mean, I'm turning 29 a couple of months from my planned arrival in Australia. It scares me in the sense that despite having a family there to back me up and wish me success, I'm scared of having to rely on them to make my dreams come true. The support I will be getting from them, will make my endeavor for independence and succeeding by myself seem like a failure (well, based on how I've contemplated it). Don't mistake my tone though. I am always thankful that I have a supportive family behind me who I can rely on should I be in deep shit.

I guess, I'm coming from the mindset that my move to Australia will usher in my version of becoming an adult. An adult who will worry about mortgage, an adult who is saving up for retirement, an adult paying for insurance, an adult paying for loans to pay for a car, an adult who is trying to make a new life in a new place with the hopes of having a new mindset fit to survive the realities to come.

I just feel I had it too easy, and my move to Australia will be the true test of character for me. A test for the character and person I've become over the 28+ years of living in this world and knowing people, friends and family who have shaped my being. If I had to struggle to get to where I am now - well not just financially but that seems to be most fundamental problem most of the people in the world face - will I be less afraid of moving? If my parents, after graduating from college, had made me responsible for some finances at home, will that have shaped my character to be ready to face the hardships I might face in Australia? Am I well equipped to handle the pressures and struggles I will face? I guess, for now, I will never know until I get there and actually live it through.

Contemplating. Anticipating.

How escapist can I be to actually start planning on going to Europe for December and US for January? I put the plan under the banner of wanting to take a break and a sabbatical before I face the hardships I will need to face (which hopefully will be non-existent (?) when the time comes or as the days come closer). But I can't help but feel that the complacency at the back of my head is what's fueling the escapism - because why worry about the struggle to come, when you can do something you're passionate about - travelling. Why worry when your family will be there to back you up when all the shit hits the fan?

How petty of me. Blah blah blah.
[Edit] - I'm having the mindset now that to think about the problems I might be facing in Australia will only romanticize the notion of struggling to achieve success, which is not what I want.

CH231: Fastforward to the end of -- to start off on a vacation which will end in the beginning of something someplace else

I've been pretty much a wreck the weeks leading up to last Thursday - July 17, 2014 when received news (email) that I've been granted my Australian Permanent Residency.

I've been losing sleep. Each buzz of the phone, my heart skipped a beat thinking that the notification was for the email that I've been anticipating since I submitted the last of the requirements needed of me (Singapore Police Clearance). I mean, there's always the 50-50 chance that it could be granted or rejected, but it was a bit hard when your mettle has been configured to anticipate the worst to soften the blow of seeing the reality face to face that you were denied the visa.

As the days dragged on, I had to find a different outlet to keep my mind preoccupied and shake off all the negative energy clinging to me as my mind started settling on the idea that I was already denied the visa. I ended up writing Forlorn and Despair.

Weirdly enough, as soon as I received the news, the hole I've been digging in my mind was filled up. And all the negativity was banished, but the elation, as much as it was, soon dissipated. Poof. The next thing I know, I am faced with the anticipation of goodbyes, leaving good friends, leaving work, leaving Singapore and going off to Australia to start a new life. The next thing I might be facing are the struggles of finding employment, adjusting to a new life, etc.

The excitement should build up the closer I get to the date I'm planning to leave Singapore. I will become more confident and excited as surely and slowly as my plans fit together.

The only things I know for sure I want to happen:
Dec-Early January = Visit to US
New Year = New York Times Square Ball Drop
January 17 = Cousin's wedding (which my mom insists I make time for so she'll have someone to drive her and accompany her)

As much as I want to go to Europe, it's still constrained by budget considerations. I hope my best friend gets word on her Austrian visa, so I'll know better whether I want to go to Europe or not . The problem with Europe is the entry to US will be through New York so it does affect the schedule based on geography.

And this is my current reality - planning something irrelevant to the big step I'm going to be making soon (soon as in less than 6 months away). Escaping the reality of the hardship I might face in Australia by planning a vacation in places that could go sub zero. Winter...I've never experienced Winter.

[Random] Despair

Despair (17/07/2014)

What could be sadder than a forgotten existence?

I held your head close to my chest, by my beating heart.

As the tears continued to stream down my face,

I screamed to the heavens, wailed hysterical.

Too soon, I say. Much too soon.

What could be sadder than an experience unfulfilled?

Nipped too early, ours was love never to bloom.

I glanced a look at your usually vibrant face.

Gone are your gleaming eyes, replaced by an empty barren gaze.

Lost! Your blonde hair turned auburn, caked by your own blood.

What could be sadder than a loved one lost?

Bathe in your blood that warms me from the cold spring air,

I whisper into your ear that will never hear:

I love you, I'm sorry, I love you

I'm sorry, but life without you is a life not worth living.

What could be sadder than a man who has lost everything?

As I feel the light drops of rain from the night sky wash the blood away,

I take the revolver lying beside you and point it to my head.

I wrap a finger around the trigger and BOOM!

Darkness. What could be sadder?

[Random] Forlorn

Forlorn (14/07/2014)

In the vastness of this grassland,

I find myself alone with thoughts of you.

Anxious, restless, the thoughts swirl on.

Will you ever come back to this place we swore on?

The grass rustle as a light gale sweeps past.

I suddenly realize how cold I feel.

Void of warmth and full of longing,

I remember our last embrace, our last kiss.

We swore four months back to meet at this spot.

Swore on love eternal - till death do us part.

I notice the sun has almost set on the horizon.

Time takes away the light as it does my hope.

I look around and listen as the night comes alive.

I sigh and see the breath of mist I exhale.

Another day has gone and still no you.

Will tomorrow come again and then I'll see you?