[Random] Unencumbered

Unencumbered (04/08/2014)

At the precipice of contemplation,
I realized with striking clarity,
that I have moved on from you,
From us, from my loss.

My heart has been mended.
The despair and confusion,
Antiquated feelings like spindly cobwebs,
Swiped clean as frail as they are.

I stared out onto the night.
The neighboring buildings blinking,
On and Off, On and off -
Signs of life and movement.

I spin with the world
As it rotates and orbits around the sun.
Immobility by emotional distress -
A somber concept by romantics and poets.

I hear the distant breeze.
I inhale deep and breathe out,
A sigh of freedom and relief.
The burden is completely gone.

I recall seeing your picture together.
No envy, no jealousy, no remorse, no anger
There was nothing. Absolutely nothing.
"Oh, they look good together."

My phone sounds as a message comes in.
I smile. "It's you. What a coincidence."
I do not bother to reply.
Swipe to the left, delete. Time for bed.

[Random] Threesome

Note: Written to shake off my agitation as shared on  CH232: Contemplation on Starting Over

Threesome (28/07/2014)

Under the covers, warm, satisfied, tired.

I hear the deep breathing resound,

Echoing solemnly in this darkness.

I wondered, "how did I get here again?"

--------------------

The elevator sounded, "Ding!", 22nd floor.

I step out onto the familiar foyer.

The doors open as I was taking my shoes off.

I was offered a seat, a Negroni right in front.

"Try it." It's a cocktail originating a century ago.

I sip and my face showed my opinion of it.

"It's a developed taste," you say

I smiled, the aftertaste was good, lingering.

--------------------

The bed sheet shuffles as you turn to face me.

Heat emanating from the bodies in bed,
Magnified by the warmth of togetherness.

Soon, the bed sheet shuffles some more.

--------------------

The feeling of being welcomed, accepted, appreciated.

A toast with the second round of drinks.

Espresso martinis made fresh, how fancy.

"Cheers to your future. To Australia!" Clink.

I think I prefer this drink more than the first.

I smiled innocently, enjoying the company.

"You've got great teeth!" "Thank you!"

"You're very sweet, cute and sexy."

--------------------

I hear a bit of snoring go on for a bit.

"Why am I still awake?" My thoughts inquire.

A hand caresses my face then moves to my back.

As the hand goes down my spine, the sheets shuffle.

--------------------

I was genuinely captivated, enthralled.

The conversation was flowing naturally.

I noticed to myself how a couple of years back,

This situation would have made me stutter.

I smile, contemplating thoughts in my head.

I caress your arms, your face, as your head rests on my lap 
I think: I like this new me - this confidence.

I smell coffee. The next round of martinis arrive.

--------------------

I didn't even realize I had fallen asleep.

I woke as you turned. I opened my eyes as you stirred.

"Good morning!" And then the sheets were off.

Lying between the two of you, I smiled.

CH232: Contemplation on Starting Over

Life has been easy. A little bit too easy I should say.

On the forefront, in the larger scheme of things, the only struggles I would consider I had in my life, were more trivial things like academics (getting good greats and striving to be on top) as well as career (getting skilled employment that pays well and performing well). I've never had to struggle with trying to make ends meet. I don't think I ever had to worry about money. I've written about it before how thankful I am to my parents for what they have provided for me. They've taken away the concerns most of the people (pertaining to the global population rather than the Philippines in itself) will have like finding food, getting education and seeking out opportunities to make their life better.

I'm acutely aware of the struggles there are in the world. Gaza, Hamas and Israel. Ebola Outbreak in Africa. ISIS in the middle east. Ukraine, Russia and the West, etc. These current events make my worries so small compared to the rest of the world, that sometimes, I feel it's unfair to acknowledge the fears I have to face when I move to Australia. I guess, the more you become aware of the state of the world, the less enthralled you become with acknowledging and working on the things in your life that scare you. Something sort of like that.

The most obvious fear of course with moving and starting over in Australia - finding a job. With just my meager savings in tow, the fear of the possible difficulty of finding work and depleting the savings can be scary. But, what scares me more, is the complacency I have in the back of my head, that if worse comes to worst, my family will be there to bail me out (in this sense - monetary aid). I mean, I'm turning 29 a couple of months from my planned arrival in Australia. It scares me in the sense that despite having a family there to back me up and wish me success, I'm scared of having to rely on them to make my dreams come true. The support I will be getting from them, will make my endeavor for independence and succeeding by myself seem like a failure (well, based on how I've contemplated it). Don't mistake my tone though. I am always thankful that I have a supportive family behind me who I can rely on should I be in deep shit.

I guess, I'm coming from the mindset that my move to Australia will usher in my version of becoming an adult. An adult who will worry about mortgage, an adult who is saving up for retirement, an adult paying for insurance, an adult paying for loans to pay for a car, an adult who is trying to make a new life in a new place with the hopes of having a new mindset fit to survive the realities to come.

I just feel I had it too easy, and my move to Australia will be the true test of character for me. A test for the character and person I've become over the 28+ years of living in this world and knowing people, friends and family who have shaped my being. If I had to struggle to get to where I am now - well not just financially but that seems to be most fundamental problem most of the people in the world face - will I be less afraid of moving? If my parents, after graduating from college, had made me responsible for some finances at home, will that have shaped my character to be ready to face the hardships I might face in Australia? Am I well equipped to handle the pressures and struggles I will face? I guess, for now, I will never know until I get there and actually live it through.

Contemplating. Anticipating.

How escapist can I be to actually start planning on going to Europe for December and US for January? I put the plan under the banner of wanting to take a break and a sabbatical before I face the hardships I will need to face (which hopefully will be non-existent (?) when the time comes or as the days come closer). But I can't help but feel that the complacency at the back of my head is what's fueling the escapism - because why worry about the struggle to come, when you can do something you're passionate about - travelling. Why worry when your family will be there to back you up when all the shit hits the fan?

How petty of me. Blah blah blah.
[Edit] - I'm having the mindset now that to think about the problems I might be facing in Australia will only romanticize the notion of struggling to achieve success, which is not what I want.

CH231: Fastforward to the end of -- to start off on a vacation which will end in the beginning of something someplace else

I've been pretty much a wreck the weeks leading up to last Thursday - July 17, 2014 when received news (email) that I've been granted my Australian Permanent Residency.

I've been losing sleep. Each buzz of the phone, my heart skipped a beat thinking that the notification was for the email that I've been anticipating since I submitted the last of the requirements needed of me (Singapore Police Clearance). I mean, there's always the 50-50 chance that it could be granted or rejected, but it was a bit hard when your mettle has been configured to anticipate the worst to soften the blow of seeing the reality face to face that you were denied the visa.

As the days dragged on, I had to find a different outlet to keep my mind preoccupied and shake off all the negative energy clinging to me as my mind started settling on the idea that I was already denied the visa. I ended up writing Forlorn and Despair.

Weirdly enough, as soon as I received the news, the hole I've been digging in my mind was filled up. And all the negativity was banished, but the elation, as much as it was, soon dissipated. Poof. The next thing I know, I am faced with the anticipation of goodbyes, leaving good friends, leaving work, leaving Singapore and going off to Australia to start a new life. The next thing I might be facing are the struggles of finding employment, adjusting to a new life, etc.

The excitement should build up the closer I get to the date I'm planning to leave Singapore. I will become more confident and excited as surely and slowly as my plans fit together.

The only things I know for sure I want to happen:
Dec-Early January = Visit to US
New Year = New York Times Square Ball Drop
January 17 = Cousin's wedding (which my mom insists I make time for so she'll have someone to drive her and accompany her)

As much as I want to go to Europe, it's still constrained by budget considerations. I hope my best friend gets word on her Austrian visa, so I'll know better whether I want to go to Europe or not . The problem with Europe is the entry to US will be through New York so it does affect the schedule based on geography.

And this is my current reality - planning something irrelevant to the big step I'm going to be making soon (soon as in less than 6 months away). Escaping the reality of the hardship I might face in Australia by planning a vacation in places that could go sub zero. Winter...I've never experienced Winter.

[Random] Despair

Despair (17/07/2014)

What could be sadder than a forgotten existence?

I held your head close to my chest, by my beating heart.

As the tears continued to stream down my face,

I screamed to the heavens, wailed hysterical.

Too soon, I say. Much too soon.

What could be sadder than an experience unfulfilled?

Nipped too early, ours was love never to bloom.

I glanced a look at your usually vibrant face.

Gone are your gleaming eyes, replaced by an empty barren gaze.

Lost! Your blonde hair turned auburn, caked by your own blood.

What could be sadder than a loved one lost?

Bathe in your blood that warms me from the cold spring air,

I whisper into your ear that will never hear:

I love you, I'm sorry, I love you

I'm sorry, but life without you is a life not worth living.

What could be sadder than a man who has lost everything?

As I feel the light drops of rain from the night sky wash the blood away,

I take the revolver lying beside you and point it to my head.

I wrap a finger around the trigger and BOOM!

Darkness. What could be sadder?

[Random] Forlorn

Forlorn (14/07/2014)

In the vastness of this grassland,

I find myself alone with thoughts of you.

Anxious, restless, the thoughts swirl on.

Will you ever come back to this place we swore on?

The grass rustle as a light gale sweeps past.

I suddenly realize how cold I feel.

Void of warmth and full of longing,

I remember our last embrace, our last kiss.

We swore four months back to meet at this spot.

Swore on love eternal - till death do us part.

I notice the sun has almost set on the horizon.

Time takes away the light as it does my hope.

I look around and listen as the night comes alive.

I sigh and see the breath of mist I exhale.

Another day has gone and still no you.

Will tomorrow come again and then I'll see you?

CH230: Kanchanaburi - The Bridge Over River Kwai

Do you know that movie "The Bridge Over River Kwai"?

Well, I don't. I didn't know about it till a friend living in Bangkok told me about it and said that instead of the initial plan of us going to Siem Reap, we should go instead to Kanchanaburi to see the 7-tier waterfall in Erawan National Park as well as the Bridge over River Kwai. I didn't mind the change in plans, in fact I was excited since I've both of us have been to Siem Reap anyway.

I was asked what were the things I wanted to do. Do I want to do a tour with elephants? I said, not really. I don't know how well the elephants are treated "behind the scenes" and I don't want to be an enabler for their abuses, so I'm okay not doing an elephant tour. I just said I'm up for anything, I just need to get away from Singapore and get some R&R.

So, after a weekend in Kanchanaburi, I must say, it was a very nice experience! It was very rustic staying in a resort by the river as well as doing things that I didn't really get to do in the Philippines. Erawan National Park is almost similar to Mt Makiling in Laguna. Although, the difference is that, the main attraction is the waterpark which has 7 tiers you can hike up beside. It rained a bit before we went up so it was a bit muddy - but nonetheless enjoyable! More enjoyable I guess because I had a mosquito patch and my usual worries about becoming mosquito bait was abated.

Anyway, Kanchanaburi is about 2-3 hours away from Bangkok. But if you're looking for something more rustic and laid back, it is definitely worth a visit. Of note though, it felt like I was the only Asian tourist in the town we were at. In the restaurants we visited, nope, no Asians. The only time I saw other Asians was during the time we were in the tourist attractions - Erawan as well as the Bridge over River Kwai (mostly Thai tourists).

Pictures!

from the airport straight to kanchanaburi - thats why i was wearing something not suitable for a tropical weather

had lots of mango fruit juices!

CH229: S(taycation) G(rande)

Over the last weekend, I had a friend visiting from Bangkok. It was a short visit - Friday to Sunday. I had to create an itinerary mostly to highlight the things that will be most enjoyable for the short stay. I ended up organizing a sort of staycation for myself in the process.

As a surprise, what was meant to be a night just to spend in my flat, I decided I might as well book a hotel in the Marina Bay Reservoir area to centralize all the travel and be able to make the most out of the time (reduce commute times to the spots I wanted my friend to see). So, after going about prices and locations and facilities, I decided to book a night in Marina Mandarin (supposedly the hotel with one of the largest atrium - not sure if it's just South East Asia or the world). Check-in and check-out was very quick and efficient. The breakfast area was a bit small though, although the choices were varied, the space where the spread was served looked albeit small because you will observe how many people seemed to be concentrated in the area.

During the hotel booking as well through my ANZ Visa (hotelclubs), I got the deal for a room upgrade and free breakfast for two. I'm not sure if we were upgraded but the room was really spacious and we had the corner room. But considering how the hotel was shaped, I don't know if our room was better than what normally would have been peddled under usual Deluxe or Superior.

The view from the balcony

I always try and tell the check-in when I stay in a hotel that there's some sort of special occasion just to see what sort of complimentary food they'd give haha. the cake was delicious!

Drinks at Axis bar in Mandarin Oriental. I had Pimm's No 1 in celebration of Wimbledon

 More pictures and then Marina Bay Sands Infinity Pool shots

CH228: Salmon Saturday

Yesterday, after having Sinigang lunch, I pushed through with my promise to my housemate that I'll cook up Salmon so we can use the mashed potato she had from the Friday night. I couldn't go because I had prior dinner plans.

My sort of look after I howled when I got hit by oil pops from the griller lol

Salmon cooking nicely

Finished product shots.

Grilled salmon with honey Dijon mustard sauce, rockets with cherry tomatoes, goat cheese and a balsamic vinegar dressing, garlic mashed potato with parsley.

After cooking that up, I went to party and go clubbing. Thankfully, I was pretty buzzed after necking a tall glass of gin and tonic because I was running late. I met some friends in the pub and had to queue up for 40-50 minutes to get into the dance club. It wasn't that it was full. Or maybe it was but I just wasn't paying attention. Someone caught my eye and ... Eye to eye. Eye-eye-eye-eye. The end

CH227: Wrap Up

1. "I root for all things and persons that challenge social norm because they foster tolerance and respect."

-Tweeted in response to seeing a native (aeta?) Filipina youth performing on The Voice Kids edition

http://entertainment.abs-cbn.com/tv/shows/thevoicekids/videos/2014/06/22/try-it-on-my-own-by-grace

2. "Secrets are corrosive. A cake left hidden will become stale."

"Like and love are different by 2 letters and that makes all the difference."

-Quotable quotes spoken to friends over on our whatsapp group

3. "Pain demands to be felt"

-quote from The Fault in Our Stars movie I watched with Ange yesterday.

-I believe pain forms and shapes our beings more profoundly than good experiences. Only through pain and struggles do we develop the skin to endure harder strifes and challenges. But it doesn't mean we go seeking to experience them

4. As the days come closer to knowing the results of my application (TBR - to be revealed ... eventually - because I don't want to risk preempting it by letting too many people know about it superstition), I feel calmer and more excited about the next steps in life that will open up. My exit ticket. My moment to take a break from working and go to the US and Europe for maybe 2 months (this is what I look forward to doing ---- IF I manage to save enough).

5. Being single since December, I've learned a lot more lessons the past 6 months. Not to sound amoral, but my mind has become more liberal and less conservative. I'm pertaining about my perception towards NSA statuses and experiences. Not just the 1 night stand sort of thing where an eventual walk of shame is part of the procession, but hmmm it's hard to put into words. But knowing I'll be leaving Singapore in a not so distant future (God willing / hopefully) has opened my mind up to the possibilities and experiences and all that they entail. Whereas before, they were more about conquests for fun (and world domination/conquest - entries of which have seen been kept private ;) ), now they feel more like living the good experiences and enjoying the adrenaline. Enjoying the power that one can command with sex. (Sex as in not particularly pertaining to the act.) Sex is more than just an act now, it now involves power, domination and appeal. You either know how to control and use it, or ... You're missing out on the experience (says the liberal thinker). There's more to it than seeking a relationship or seeking a shag. There is now a grey area where the best of both worlds can be achieved. The only fair warning of course: "the person who falls in love first, LOSES." (Ang mainlove talo.) And so far, I'm happy to say that since being single...I haven't lost yet. I flirt with the temptation of losing, but the game must go on. blah blah.

6. I've been so stressed with work but I didn't let it overcome me. I actually relished the experience. Last week I had several moments where the pressure and technical difficulty constrained by time almost brought me to the brink of tears, but I just pushed on believing in my capabilities of solving the technical aspects and requirements needed for the job. I was so elated by overcoming each challenge that came my way, realizing the HR email I got before the last minute requirement came up that I wasn't only getting renewed but also getting a Bonus was only the icing on top of the cake. I live and work for those moments when after the struggle of trying to resolve an issue, you come out of the rubbles and dust and see the sun shining and you realize you got through all of it on your own. Belief in one's capabilities. Knowing I still had "it" was endearing enough to let me soldier on the next challenges that came with providing the solution as required. I rewarded myself after working 50 hours of 72 a night out with my housemate to watch How to Train Hour Dragon 2 - which was definitely worth it and a great way to de-stress.

7. I'm still feeling thankful that my parents freed us (my siblings and I) from any financial obligation to help out. I can't imagine being the way I am today, if my mom needed me to send money to pay for utilities, monthly allowance or whatever. So, despite thinking sometimes that I wish my parents could give me more (youngest child syndrome), I live everyday thankful for my upbringing and current situation to say that life is great and that it wouldn't be that way partly if my parents had reared me differently. To return my thanks, I decided to pledge booking my mom and dad, bro-SIL-niece-nephew, two rooms in Marina Bay Sands when they visit Singapore on September. I'm saying visit Singapore and not me because they're only coming so my nephew can go to legoland Malaysia. Hahaha. He's been such a good brother to my niece, he deserves a big brother reward :)